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by Beatles-McLennon
Summary: Oh and I almost forgot: to whoever this may concern, my name is Lexie Upston. I don't expect you to know the name or care for it but its mine and don't worry I care for it enough for the both of us. This is my Story with The Beatles, too many stories have been made about me so i thought i should make my own.
1. Chapter 1

_Hello everyone….it's strange writing like this, like I'm talking directly to someone….it's odd but I suppose I can't stop now (this is too serious to make a dirty joke out of that)._

_This is part of the introduction where I introduce the narrator…..Me. _

_This my book, my story of sorts…..it's cliché but mine and it's mine alone and for a long time I didn't want to tell anyone because it is mine, do you know those memories that you don't want to tell anyone? The memories you feel are private between you and the people you made the memories with? Well my memories are those memories (or were). I feel I need to tell someone and its easier writing it down and hoping someone will find it in 50 years instead of telling it to someone's face (who would believe me anyway?); I've never been overly fond of talking to people._

_This is my story (what did I tell you? Cliché.), my life with The Beatles, I hated it from time to time and when it was over it took me some time to realize how much I loved them (the band and just them) but I did, I truly loved them and there has been so many stories about me and at the time I never got to make my own so I guess this is a good time to start._

_Oh and I almost forgot: to whoever this may concern, my name is Lexie Upston. I don't expect you to know the name or care for it but its mine and don't worry I care for it enough for the both of us._

The story really started out like any other depressing one: I was miserable on my birthday.

The 12th of March, I was turning 17 and it was a school day (whoopee-fucking-do. I'm still bitter about that). I got ready in my school uniform, short dress, ugly shoes, ugly blazer (I rolled up the sleeved because nothing says 'Fuck You' to the system then rolled up sleeves). The only thing I liked about my whole school appearance was my hair (well I only loved it because people always said they loved it and that made me feel pretty damn good I just rolled with it), I really didn't like my appearance other than that.

_Ok before I get attacked on being lame and overdramatic that's the truth. I didn't like how I looked, truth is I actually liked my face but my body was a whole new thing. Carry On._

My first class was Music.

My only class that I liked because I did nothing in it but I did actually want to listen because on that day we were learning about The Beatles (stories starting to make sense now, uh?) and I was excited. I loved The Beatles and when I say I loved The Beatles I don't mean I just liked their music I mean I loved THEM. I knew so much about them, I listened to every song, read every book, watched every interview on YouTube, saw every movie. I was OBSSESSED. And I was happy we were finally learning something at school I knew. But when the class started I was disappointed.

The teacher knew nothing. She fumbled over explaining Paul McCartney's song 'Yesterday', she talked about their drug use more than their music and she couldn't even spell McCartney right (I mean McCarthy? Really? come one) and what's worse she made John Lennon out to be some drug dependent guy who let a women break up The Beatles and then got shot because he said The Beatles were bigger then Jesus.

It was terrible. The kids in my class laughed at the Money Can't Buy Me Love scene from A Hard Day's Night and a boy behind me kept muttering Ringo over and over again because he thought the name sounded weird. The class wasn't too bad but all the kids left the class seeing The Beatles as men who took drugs then broke up and honestly even then I knew that's not what they were.

"Hey Lexie, ready for Math?" one of my close friends sneered at me. He laughed and waited for me to catch up with him.

I was terrible at Math and at school if you're bad at Math that means you're an idiot. All my friends (except my Best Friend Kaylor) saw me as an idiot, I was fine with that I was the one who made the jokes and laughed at myself but having someone laugh at you and call you an idiot for falling one class can put a mark in your self-esteem.

"Fuck off Matt." I sneered back. He laughed and we began to walk down to our classes Math room.

When we eventually reached the room I sat down in-between my friend Troy and my best friend Kaylor, Matt waved and sat on the other side of the room with our other friends. Before the class started my friends laughed and teased me about the Math test we were going to have the next day, I simply smiled and after I got over the short second hurt I laughed and joked too. Matt shook his head and muttered 'Idiot' under his breath as Mr Davis was starting the class.

"Hey, what's that?" Kaylor whispered.

I looked at her and followed her gaze to my arm. My eyes widened when I saw what she was looking at. Four thin white scars going across my wrist, they were old but you could clearly see them. I looked at Kaylor and her brown eyes were the picture of concern, I only laughed and looked back at the teacher. Mr Davis soon stopped talking and sat down behind his desk and when he did I quickly stood up and walked over to him, Kaylor was staring after me.

"Can I go to the toilet?" I asked.

"Sure but don't take too long you need this revision the most, Lexie." Mr Davis teased. I rolled my eyes and walked out the door, not daring to look back, not when Kaylor was looking at me like that.

I rushed towards the bathroom and sighed with relief when I saw no one there. I stood in front of the mirror and stared at my face for a few moments; I leaned closer and inspected my face. It was round-ish I guess, I had blue eyes and my brown hair framed my face almost perfectly expect for the small part that covered my left eye slightly. My face was blotchy and my eyelashes too long and my lips too cracked and my eyebrows weren't thin enough. I felt under my chin and to me I felt too much skin and I pinched it till it hurt. I eventually brought my arm up and inspected my right wrist in the mirror. They were old scars, but I just felt uneasy when people pointed them out (Which they did).

I sighed (I did that a lot) and rolled my sleeves back down and went to walk out of the bathroom but I tripped….I don't know what I tripped over, a bucket? Some water? My own feet? I have no bloody clue but all I could feel was a burning pain in my head and all I could see was black until I saw burning light and my back began to hurt.

"The fuck you doin' on the road ya silly Bird?"

I gasped and quickly jumped up but I just ended right back down on my arse. I rubbed my back and looked up slowly.

In front of me stood a boy about 20 years old, his hair was done up just like Elvis-sleeked back with gel or gasoline or something that his black hair shiny and just….up, he was wearing tight black pants, black shirt and a grey blazer. I finally looked at his face and he looked angry and I just remembered he had asked me a question.

"I-I-" I gulped and I was too awkward to even consider getting up. "I'm fine just sitting, why do you care?" I winced at my rude tone but the older man just shrugged, shook his head at me and left.

I was left alone.

Sitting on the ground.

Alone.

I got up and dusted myself off and I realized I wasn't wearing my ugly school uniform anymore. I looked around and saw my reflection in the window of some shop. I was wearing my uniform I guess…sort of….My dress was shorter (a little more above my knees) and tighter (I could see my stomach more and I tried to cover it up with my arms), my blazer was smaller and tighter and it didn't cover my right wrist and I panicked for a split second before I saw five bracelets around it. I looked at my feet and I remember really fancying my shoes, black small boots and I smiled before the panic set in.

Where was I? That was the first thing that came to my mind.

Why the fuck aren't I in Math or in the bloody fucking bathroom! My mind screamed at me at that moment and I (as told by reliable sources) was pacing slightly and shaking my head and fiddling with my hands and kicking the ground and I jumped once and groaned. My mind was reeling and I was thinking about so many things I couldn't say and I knew people were looking at me but only one man came up to me and voiced his confusion and shock.

"Hey, miss? Are you alright? Miss?" I remember feeling shocked, that's all I felt: Shock.

The man had walked out of his music store and put his hand on my shoulder and shook me lightly as he asked if I was alright.

"I-" I took a sharp intake of breath and my throat hurt. "Who are you?"

This was a dream.

"I" The man coughed and tried to smile. "I'm Brian, Brian Epstein."

This was a dream and I was unconscious on the girl's bathroom floor.

I laughed then looked at him then looked around and laughed again. I looked behind 'Brian' and saw NEMS music store at 12–14 Whitechapel and I stopped laughing and I just looked nervous.

"Are you alright?" Brian asked again.

"What's the date? The year?" I know, how fucking cliché are those questions but hey I wanted to know and I was shocked and I had just seen the face of Brian-FUCKING-EPSTIEN, the DEAD manager of The Beatles and I was allowed to ask dumb questions.

"It's the-uh, the-uh." Brian looked shocked and confused and a bit amused. "It's the 12th of March, 1960."

I felt my head and laughed again. Then I was silent. It was dead silent, eerily so.

"Oh dear-What's wrong now?" Brian Epstein (What the actual fuck, I know) asked with concern etched onto his face.

"I-oh, it's just…It's my Birthday." That was the only thing I could think to say.


	2. Chapter 2

Picture the scene:

Me-a once suicidal girl from 2014-sitting on a stool in the back room to BRIAN EPSTIEN'S very own music store having tea. The tea cup shook in my hand and it took me a moment to realize my body was shaking too. I tried to put the tea cup down on the small table beside me but I missed by a mile and It fell on the ground with a loud crash, I just stared at the broken cup with a grim face-not for the tea but for me and my situation. I was either:

Dead.

Unconscious.

OR:

This was real.

I scoffed at that thought and kicked the ground.

Maybe this was a dream and I'd wake up back in the bathroom and Matt would make fun of my for taking so long and Kaylor would ask about my wrist and then things would go back to normal and I'd tell my Beatle mad friend-Molly-what a crazy dream I had but that train of thought was shattered when Brian walked in and stared at the broken cup before looking at me.

"Are you alright, Miss?"

I wanted to say something cool, make a joke but I only stuttered out a nervous 'yeah'.

"What accent is that? Where are you from?" Brian asked nicely and smiled at me. I gulped and stared at the ground and once I saw the broken cup my head snapped back up and I looked at him and I could feel my face growing red.

"Australia. I'm Australian."

"What's you name darling?" I hated how he talked to me as if I was a child, I was 17 for Christ's sake but I swallowed my insults and clenched my hands.

"I'm-" I thought for a moment. This is a dream, right? Was my dumb thought, I could have any name I wanted…..I had always hated the name Lexie anyway.

"Eleanor Murphy-but you can call me Ellie." I loved that name and not just because of the Beatles song.

"Aren't you a little young to be here alone? Where are your parents?" He asked and if I wasn't still shocked at the fact it was BRIAN EPSTIEN talking to me I'd be thankful that he cared that much.

"I'm a deserter." I winced at my stupidity and how cliché it was to quote a Beatles movie right now but I figured since it was a dream it didn't matter.

"Is that so?" Brian asked and I could see the actual amusement dancing in his eyes.

"My family and I don't see eye to eye so I left." It wasn't a lie. My family wasn't exactly right and I was dead sick of it especially in those last two years before that indecent. They loved me sure (well my mum did) but I couldn't stay and I had always dreamed of running away….this was one of the reasons why I thought this was a dream.

Brian only smiled at me as he picked up the broken pieces of the tea cup and I simply watched him in silence.

"Do you have anywhere to stay? Or didn't you think that part through yet?" there was teasing in his tone and for a moment it felt almost normal.

But he was right.

"Haven't thought it through." I shrugged.

Brian looked at me and I could tell the gears where turning in his head. Pity flashed through his eyes before he turned away and muttered something to himself. He shook his head and finally he looked at me again.

"Would you like to work here? And make up a bed here? Just until you earn enough money to buy a small home on your own." He was looked at me with a serious and kind expression and I inwardly shrugged.

This was a dream so I might as well do as much as I can before I wake up.

"Sure."

I laid in my makeshift bed in the back room staring at the ceiling and I couldn't believe I was tired. I didn't people got tired in their dreams, looking back now I realise I dumb I was but I was still convinced all that was a dream.

I remember not wanting to close my eyes because I wanted to badly for everything to be a dream but I couldn't stop myself from falling asleep.

"Eleanor? Wake up…..Ellie, then? Wake up!" 

I punched my hand in the air and groaned.

"Fuck off Davis." Davis was my Posh English friend I had met on the first day of high school.

"Davis?" A confused question was the response I got in return. "Who?"

My eyes shot open and I jumped off the ground with a loud, shocked, stupid gasp.

There in front was Brian Epstein.

"B-B-Brian?" I stuttered.

I began to laugh and breathe heavily and laugh again and I heard Brian mutter 'Not Again, God this was a mistake'. I laughed and glared at him and walked to the window and opened the curtain.

What did I see?

1960, Liverpool.

"Uh Fuck"

"Are you alright Miss Murphy?" I heard Brian asked and I growled (yes, growled).

"Stop asking me that!"

"Sorry then!"

"You should be!"

"I am!"

"Okay!"

I crossed my arms and kicked the ground and I could feel my face growing red again and Fuck, I thought, this isn't a dream and I must be dead and this is heaven. But I looked at Brian and he looked happy, despite his confused expression he was happy and innocent looking and I knew this was the past.

"Listen, I-"

"I got you some new clothes for today." Brian then pushed a bag towards me and I felt so bad for yelling at him but in my defence before he interrupted me I was trying to apologise.

"Thank you." I said quietly.

Brian smiled at me before leaving the room.

I opened up the bag and pulled out a blue dress, it was pretty and I just felt horrible for being so rude and I just hoped that was all still a dream because I wasn't sure what to do.

I walked out of the back door and I helped Brian and his other employees around the store and I served a 10 year boy and I felt odd being there. I think my cheeks were stained red all day and I think I may have dropped more records and more money than anyone else who's ever worked there and I think I just let things fall out of my mouth and I was trying so hard not to sound dumb but I couldn't stop words from spilling out of my mouth. I saw Brian smiling at me and I didn't realise it then but it was the same smile my mum used to look at me with, Brian never told me he smiled at me like I was his odd, stupid child and I only found out after it was too late but I'm glad I did and I'll stop talking about that now because it's giving too much away and this is a happy time: The Start.

"How was your first day?" Brian asked me with a smile at the end of the long working day.

I only shrugged and hugged myself slightly.

"Here." Brian handed me some money and I stared at it until he sighed. "To buy more clothes because if you're working here I don't want you to be unclean."

I considered not taking the money but I needed it and at that time I was still trying to convince myself all of that was a dream so I took the money, talked towards the door, mock saluted Brian and left the store.

I didn't come back for four hours and when I got back I began to cry because Brian Epstein waited for me.

I laid down on the makeshift bed next to him and I tried to steady my sobs and I wasn't crying because of his odd act of kindness out of pity, I was crying because that was the moment I realized all that wasn't a dream. I was truly stuck in this time and I didn't want to be.

I wanted to go to school and annoy my favourite teachers and laugh with my friends even if I was the joke. I wanted to go home and yell at my older brother and laugh with my younger brother and I wanted to fight with my mum then sit next to her and watch a shitty movie and laugh about it. I wanted to feel alone then text Kaylor and laugh at her oddness and I wanted to go on with my crush on Matt and I wanted to cry and I wanted to laugh and I wanted to stress over things and I wanted to feel dead and happy and sad and wonderful and I just wanted to go home.


	3. Chapter 3

_One Year Later: October 28__th__, 1961_

"How can I help you Luv?" I asked a cute Teddy boy (with those jeans and jacket and that hair, I knew straight away he was a teddy boy) sweetly.

The boy, he looked my age-18, grinned at me and leaned on the counter.

"There's a record I want. It's "My Bonnie" and it was made in Germany. Have you got it?"

I couldn't help but grin.

"Dunno." I shrugged keeping cool. "I'll go check with the boss."

I walked to the back room and kicked the door to get Brian's attention while he tried to clean things up.

"What?" He snapped.

"Kid needs a record, need to know if we have it."

Brian rolled his eyes with a smile and followed me out of back room and to the counter.

"Which record?" Brian asked.

"It's "My Bonnie" and it was made in Germany. Have you got it?" The 18 year old asked again.

Brian frowned and shook his head. "Who is the record by?" He asked.

"You won't have heard of them," The Teddy boy said. "It's by a group called The Beatles."

"Oh sorry, no I haven't. I can't help you sorry." Brian smiled and the boy simply waved his hand and smiled as a sign that it was ok.

"Raymond Jones, by the way." He winked at me and I stifled a laugh. I really couldn't take the name 'Raymond' seriously after watching 'Everybody Loves Raymond'.

Jones left the store and Brian simply shook his head.

"Do you know them?" he asked me. "That group?"

I stifled another laugh and put on a confused face and shook my head.

"Can't say I have Bri-Bri"

"I'm leaving for the day!" I announced loudly.

"Goodbye Ellie." Brian waved absently while he counted the money and packed boxes away. I contemplated on helping him but I was really tired and really happy and I just wanted to be alone while I scream in happiness about Raymond Jones and his fucking record.

By this point I had been in that time for about a year or more and I had finally realised I was stuck, that this wasn't a dream and I was stuck. I really can't write down how many times I cried and threw things and broke things and yelled just because of the fact that I wasn't going to wake up and be in Australia and I hated that Brian treated me like a kid and I hated that I wasn't more happy in that time than I was in 2014 but I suppose it got better. Brian had a short temper and mood swings so it was fun messing with him in the early days.

I got home that day and landed on my bed with a giggle and I smiled.

The smile left my face when I thought about Brian.

I thought about not letting him go to their lunchtime performance in November on the 9th and not let him ever become their manager and in that moment I realised I could change everything. I felt something ach in my chest and I think I almost made that decision but my phone rang.

"Hello."

"Ellie?-"

"Brian this is my phone to my house, who the hell else could it be?"

"Don't be snippy. Anyway, it's my shops holiday in a few days and I found out that The Beatles are playing on the 9th of next month and I want you to come and see them with me."

I stayed silent and I think I was just shocked. What happened to Brian was because he was the manager of The Beatles, wasn't it? But….but what about-Ah fuck, was pretty much the only intelligent thought I had in that moment.

"Sure." I said eventually. "Sure, yeah ok. Bye Brian."

I put the phone down and I sat on my bed just staring at the wall in front of me just thinking. I eventually found out that thinking made me feel worse, it made me start to trace my old scars on my wrist and then I went to sleep.

_November 9__th__, 1961_

That day eventually came around and I met Brian outside his store and we walked to the Cavern. I smiled and said hello to the people I bothered to and ignored most of the others, Brian smiled at me that smile that he always used when he looked at me and we reached the Cavern just as The Beatles began to play.

We met Alistair Taylor (Brian's assistant, I know anyone whose reading this already knows who he is but I just want to mention it) inside and we got to stay without paying. I grinned when Brian was welcomed over the club's PA system by resident DJ Bob Wooler. The three of us stood at the back on the crowd and really to be honest I was the only one dressed for the occasion, I was wearing a slightly baggy short dress while Taylor and Brian wore fancy, elegant suites. I had to shake my head at them in mock shame.

And there they were (well, three of them at least).

Paul McCartney was screaming his lungs out on Long Tall Sally with John Lennon and George Harrison by his side strumming their Guitars like they were already world famous. John had the biggest smile on his face, Paul was singing but when he stopped for the instrumental he wore a proud smile, George was smirking slightly and he looked completely happy. Behind all three of them was Pete Best, I had to admit he was pretty good on the drums but even then, even though I hadn't seen him yet, I still maintained my opinion that Ringo was better.

I was jumping and clapping and when I turned my head I saw Brian smiling, I knew that smile and I knew what he was thinking and despite my pervious doubts in that moment I was happy for him and for them and hell, I was even happy for me.

"Brian?" I looked around after The Beatles had left the stage and he had disappeared. I narrowed my eyes and I just thought: Oh fuck no that man is not meeting The Beatles without me. I ran forward blindly and once I saw the sleeve of his too fancy suite I glared at his back and grabbed his arm.

"The fuck are you going?" I asked although as you know I already knew.

"I-come meet the band with me." He insisted and I'd never seen him so determined before.

"Why? And that's not even allowed you twat"

"Listen Eleanor there's-their pretty good aren't they?"

"Brian!"

"Hello you three." A man greeted us, I recognised the man as Paddy Delaney. I'd spoken to the man once or twice before but he didn't really interest me too much so those meetings ended quickly. He eyed Brian strangely and I knew why. Brian (Fucking Brian Epstein who never wore dirty or 'normal' clothes) was wearing a fancy, posh suite making him look completely out of place.

"It's all over now, sir." Paddy said with a confused kind of voice.

"It's all right; I'm going to meet The Beatles." Brian nodded and I raised my eyebrow at how serious his voice sounded. He took my hand in his and dragged me to their dressing room.

And so there we stood: one fancy dressed twenty-seven year old man and one 19 year old girl whose hand was being held by said fancy dressed twenty-seven year old.

_Oh yeah and Alistair Taylor was there too but I didn't take much notice of him…..oh settle down, I'm joking. That man was fun and he liked to act like my father more than Brian and although it annoyed me at the time, years later I began to look back on my time with him with fondness and I'll stop now because this is the interesting part._

The dressing room was as big as a broom cupboard and I was wedged between Brian and Taylor and when Taylor moved too close because of the space I pushed him and ripped my hand out of Brian's grasp and then I felt my face go red when I saw the four Beatles looking at me. The Beatles then began to look at Brian and I saw a look of recognition in their eyes.

The room was silent and I felt the need to say something and I tried my best not to stare at them because GOD, I was standing in front the three of the men that I loved the most. JOHN, PAUL AND GEORGE. I read all about them, looked at their photos, listened to their music and now there were just there and I was frozen. But just as I had read in a book two years ago George Harrison broke the silence.

"And what brings Mr Epstein here?"

I grinned, Taylor shifted on his feet and Brian coughed.

Brian stepped closer and stuck out his hand with a smile.

"Hello, I saw you play and it was amazing-really it was."

George looked slightly surprised and John snorted and grinned, Paul was the one who stepped forward and shook his Brian's hand.

"Thank you Mr Epstein." He said with a charming smile. The warm smile looked out of place on his sweaty face and it looked odd with his leather and sleeked back hair but it suited him, years from then I told Paul that-his face was made for a smile and I hated it when he didn't smile-it was after The Beatles years, after the years of bravado and tough acts when we could say things without the fear of looking weak and being left alone.

Brian's smile was wide and I couldn't help but grin. Taylor tried to shut me up but I managed to chuckle and wink at Brian.

"Down boy." I mock scolded and Brian looked at me with fond annoyance. I didn't say that to impress the Beatles, not really believe me, I just had the need to comment on everything Brian did (he had the same need, no matter what I did he'd be there with a smart arse comment) but still I couldn't help but feel a little good when George stifled a laugh and grinned.

"And who are you?" John asked with a sort of uninterested drawl.

"Eleanor Murphy." I said trying to imitate the same drawl.

That was the first interaction John Lennon and I had and I could see him look me over and I tried to do the same but he only smirked at me so I directed my attention back to Brian who was laughing over something Paul had said.

"Is she your bird?" John asked Brian glancing at me with a mocking grin.

"He wishes." I grinned back. I knew my face was red but I had to at least pretend to be confident.

John looked at me and I tried to look at him but I ended up lighting a cigarette and turning to look at Brian.

It's funny how much I smoked when I was in that time. I had made a promise to myself not to smoke but that only lasted a few months. But I ended up smoking at least 3 ciggys a day.

Taylor, Brian and I were there with the Beatles for an hour maybe my heart soars when I think about it. At the time I thought my life couldn't get any better, I had a conversation with George Harrison and John Lennon told me a joke and I got to look at Paul up close and hell even talking with Pete was interesting, he was nice but so quiet and at that time I realised why they didn't talk to him-he really didn't like talking back and talking was the Beatles 'thing'.

We left and Paul said goodbye to each other us and I let a giant smile take over my face when me, Taylor and Brian left the Cavern.

Brian and I were walking to my apartment (he walked with me for years, always worried about me the silly twat) and he finally looked at me for the first time since we met The Beatles and he was smiling and I was grinning and we laughed together.

"Their-oh, they're just amazing." He gushed and I laughed and hopped and let the wind fly on my face before agreeing with a sharp nod.

They were. They truly were.

"I'll be seeing them the day after next, care to join me?" Brian asked when we reached my door and I remember I hit his arm and tapped my foot on the ground and looked at him as if he were an idiot.

"I'm going to America tomorrow for a month you fucking dumb-arse."

Brian laughed as he suddenly remembered he had let me have a month off work for my little vacation I was saving up for.

"Oh yes, yes I remember. Come to the shop before you go so I can see you off." He made me promise then we parted ways.

Part of my didn't want to go because I wanted to see more of The Beatles, I wanted to see their beginning but still I had never been to America and in the end I'm glad I went despite some things that came from it and some things I missed from going there.

I strode into my small living room and began to pack my things for America.

_Ah America, that place-that place brings back memories, such good ones too (not all good of course but we'll come to that). My first time there, I can remember it more clearly than most things. Such a madly beautiful place and I was so excited. It was the first time I was excited to leave anywhere since I had gotten to 1960, I was often afraid of going just in case I didn't come back but I felt this was a good time (In all honesty I didn't care if I went back or not, I was just afraid I was going to miss Liverpool and I couldn't go from missing one family to missing another one that fast).  
I met my first love there you know. _


	4. Chapter 4

I had been in America for a week before anything really exciting happened not to say New York wasn't exciting because it was, expensive but exciting. The amount of photos I took in a week could rival the amount of photos Astrid took while she visited for the filming of A Hard Day's Night (whenever I pointed this out many years later Linda would laugh and I'd know nothing could rival the amount of photos she took of her family), I used the film up and well I wanted to eat and pay for the hotel so I didn't buy new film, I wanted to buy a new camera and I still laugh at the thought even now (I was broke as shit then and I thought I could buy a camera?). Still, New York was amazing.

On the 19th of November I was running down the streets on New York because when I was younger that's what I did for a thrill, I ran as fast as I could and hoped to God I didn't fall over, anyway so I was running and then I fell. I didn't see what I tripped over and I began to panic because I thought, Shit that's what happened-that's how I got here, I panicked more but then I heard someone laugh and I turned my head (I had fallen on my back and I closed my eyes tightly, I was too shocked to open them before I heard that laugh) and there was a young man sitting on his arse laughing. People walked past us and gave us strange looks and I was giving the laughing guy a pretty strange look. He turned his face towards me and I saw his blue eyes, his dark brown slightly curly hair which was sorta done up like an Elvis style, he was wearing jeans and a light blue shirt and I would have started laughing madly like when I met Brian but I was too busy just looking at him.

I had only seen photos of Bob Dylan and, just like The Beatles and Brian, he looked so different….So much more real.

"Are you alright?" He asked and he voice sounded just like all those interviews I watched online expect he was talking to me, it took me a moment to realise that because I honestly had no idea his eyes were blue.

"Me? I-you just ran into me so I've been better but I'm ok." I said in a teasing tone. I'd gotten good with talking to people, joking with them. Before that-before 1960-I could never talk to people, if I did I'd stutter, over think, panic, my face would burn red and I'd be left feeling like an idiot but I was good, better at least and I'm glad I made a joke with Bob Dylan instead of just looking at him like I did with the Beatles (because believe me John, Paul and George told that story a lot).

I managed a smile when Bob laughed.

I got up and I contemplated helping him up but I decided that wasn't cool enough so I waited for him to get up and dust himself off before I talked to him again.

"You alright?" I hit myself now for asking that because it was his fault and I really shouldn't have cared if he was alright.

"Better." He grinned and I feel ashamed now but I laughed and I think I may have even blushed.

"Hey I am sorry though, if there's anything I could do?"

"You could give me some money for a cab and then we part as unlikely friends." I know quoting 'Tangled' wasn't the 'coolest' thing to do but at that time no one knew the movie so I figured it wasn't so bad (even then I was sorta holding on to the small glimmer of hope that maybe that was a dream and all the dumb things I could wouldn't matter once I woke up on the floor to the bathroom).

"Do you wanna go out for lunch?" Bob asked instead boldly.

I stared at him and I was in shock. Why was he asking me out? This was 1961 so wasn't Bob Dylan supposed to be dating that Joan Baez? At the time I thought I was looking at him coolly but years later he'd recount our first meeting laugh about how I stared at him in shock horror for about ten seconds before he first introduced himself.

"My names Robert." He smiled at me.

"Eleanor."

Bob asked again if I wanted to go out for lunch and I said yes. It wasn't because he was Bob Dylan because he wasn't even Bob Dylan yet, I can't say why I said yes I just did and I remember linking arms with him and walking towards a little diner and I couldn't help but feel weird about the whole thing and the fact that Bob Dylan was going to be my first proper date.

It's not like no one guy had ever asked me out, that wasn't a problem, it's just I always said no. I was afraid of commitment only because in the end it lead to abandonment and that scared me more (any guy who liked me before I left 'My Time' can thank my father for that, abandonment issues often come from fathers most of the time so I'm not the only one).

Bob Dylan ate lunch with me and laughed with me and joked with me and flirted with me and that had been the most I'd done with a guy without the help of alcohol for a year.

"I'm a singer you know." He said and inside I was nodding my head 'Yes, yes I know'.

"Do I know you or are you an 'inspiring' singer?" we laughed and I was surprised because I usually wasn't that sociable with people I'd just met.

"Been doing a few gigs, got sighed and I'm tryin' to head up."

"Upwards and onwards." I said because quoting Doctor Who was never uncool.

He looked at me and I looked at him and it wasn't like with John Lennon, I held Bob's gaze until we laughed.

"I should get going Robbie." I announced even though I actually didn't want to.

"I thought our date meant something." He laughed and I felt my face grow hot for a moment before I laughed too.

I quickly scribbled down my address, handed it to him and left.

"See you around Bob." I remember smiling all the way back to my hotel room because I had just been on a date with Bob Dylan and flirted with him and by God he flirted back.

I saw Bob three days later and we spent all day together. Sometimes we'd spent a few minutes talking and he'd have to go or I'd make an excuse to leave, some days we'd spent hours laughing about something and one time (only once on that visit to New York because he didn't like to boast often) he played his guitar and sang me an Elvis tune. When I was asked about my first encounter with Bob years and years later I lied when I said I didn't have sex with him till the second meeting, little spoiler for you, it was in fact two weeks from when we had that first date that he slept together because that's what we did. We didn't 'bang' or 'fuck', we slept together and when we finished he wrapped his arms around me and hugged me, he rested his head on my shoulder and I looked at his face and maybe was being crazy but I swear I fell in love.

On the morning of the 8th of December I packed my bags and Bob came with me in the cab to go to the airport.

He waved me goodbye and I was about to leave when he grabbed my arm and asked me, in the most serious tone, to marry him.

"What?" because I was the dumb girl in Math class who even her friends made fun of and he was Bob Dylan who was in his seventies in her time.

"Next time I see you I'm asking again and you better give me an answer." He kissed me hard and I wanted to punch him but my planes gate was closing and I had to run (Bob told me he knew he'd get an answer because I had a smile on my face but I don't remember smiling, I just think he was being optimistic).

Bob would go on to say three times that he had fallen in love with me at first sight and he has been the only man to do so.

I arrived home late about four days later on 11th and I went straight to my apartment before rushing to Brian's shop.

I busted through the door and smiled at Taylor on my way to the counter.

"Hey Taylor." I greeted with a nod. "have-"

"You'll never guess what Brian's done." He had interrupted me and I leaned my head backwards a centimetre and masked my face in my best 'Bitch Face'.

"I've been away for a month. No 'Hello?' no 'how was New York?' no 'did you maybe sorta get engaged?'"

I did find it funny when he interrupted me, he wanted to shock me, surprise me but I already knew what Brian had done.

Yesterday he asked The Beatles if he could become their manager and in a few weeks the papers will be signed and the rest will be history.

I said none of that to Taylor because his more brain couldn't handle it, oh but I wanted to. My excitement about the Beatles almost made me stop worrying about Bob's question.

"Wait what did you say about being engaged?" I heard Taylor asked before Brian came running out into the store grinning.

The store was closed so no one was around to see Brian lift me up in a hug and no one saw me laugh and giggle like a child because in Liverpool that's not what I was, I was the smart-arse girl who was rude and not a small child.

"Oh you'll never guess what happened." Brian gushed into my neck.

"You're managing The Beatles?" Taylor never asked me how I knew that and Brian was too excited to ask.

"Not yet," He laughed. He set me on the ground and smiled at me. You know that smile, the large wonderfully beautiful one and seeing him smile like that made me forget how no one asked me how my trip was because this was more important, Brian's smile was more important-I didn't know it at the time but it was.

"When then?" I asked just to humour him.

Brian kissed me on the head and laughed.

"Soon, Ellie I can feel it."


	5. Chapter 5

_24__th__ January, 1962_

Up until the 24th I had done a good job of avoiding The Beatles and avoiding thinking of Bob Dylan and every time Brian brought up The Beatles I exited the room and I every time I thought about Bob I kept reassuring myself he was probably stoned or something when he asked me THAT at the airport.

_I'm writing about the 24__th__ of January, 1962 because as you know that was the day The Beatles finally signed a five-year contract with Brian. You might be wondering why I was avoiding ever seeing them until that date, well it was simply because I was nervous. I was scared and nervous and when I was younger I avoided things I was scared and nervous about, at that time I honestly thought I'd avoid Bob for the rest of my life._

"They're coming soon." Brian announced to me and Taylor and I smiled nervously, actually I didn't smile at all…years later Taylor would inform me that I looked petrified and pale.

Brian rushed to his office to clean up while Taylor and I shrugged at each other and continued to work on other things. Taylor didn't want any part of The Beatles, not really anyway, he saw something in them but he thought their music was rubbish and me? Well I was still too nervous to face them.

When I emerged from my stack of useless paper work Taylor informed me that the four Beatles in Brian's office, I couldn't help but smile despite my nervousness.

"They're pretty good aren't they?" I tried to sound causal but I knew I sounded like an excited kid (_which I was but I didn't want to admit it at the time_).

Taylor had shrugged but smiled at me and said he was sure someone would like their music somehow and I laughed.

Then only about a minute later Taylor and I heard Brian calling us to his office over the intercom. Taylor looked confused but I froze.

I had read that James Alistair Taylor was the one to witness the Beatles signing their first five year contract with Brian Epstein and now so was I? I couldn't believe it and even the thought of it sounded made up. Me? Lexie Upston, the idiot, the fool was going to witness The Beatles signing onto Brian Epstein? Back in those days I was terribly hard on myself and those were the thoughts racing through my head as I walked with Taylor to Brian's office.

Taylor opened Brian's office door and his feet entered the room with a loud thud, I stood behind him slightly as Brian addressed us.

"James, I'd like you to sign this-"He motioned to the contract with his usual smile. "-As witness to this groups signing." He smiled at the Beatles and they tried to look cool but it was clear they were excited like a kid on Christmas.

"Wait." I stood in front of Taylor and raised my eyebrow at Brian. "If you only want him to write his name then why am I here? Contrary to popular belief I do actually do work and I had something important to do." I don't remember what I was doing that I thought was so important but Brian often thought he could make me do whatever he wanted no matter what I was doing and Beatles or no Beatles at that moment I felt the need to say that because shit, I didn't want to be Brian Epstein's quiet girl assistant, there was no way that was what I was going to be remembered for.

_Paul often told me that he th_ought _what I did was 'gear' and I have to admit that made me feel pretty good, though I've never told him that._

Brian smiled wider and shrugged.

"I just wanted you here." He said and just the raw honesty in his voice made me sigh and smile back because in those days I could never get angry him.

"Sure you're not his bird." John grinned at me jeeringly and I just narrowed my eyes at him and went back to standing at the door as Taylor signed the paper.

And then one by one John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Pete Best (I winced when he signed his name and I couldn't even look at his smile without feeling a little bit guilty) signed their named and I stood up straight and looked on proudly. I winked at Brian and he smiled widely.

"Guess we're yours now Eppy." Paul joked.

"Cute." I muttered with a smile.

Paul turned his head and grinned at me and I smiled back and I think that was the first time I really saw Paul McCartney's face. His hair was sleeked back and he was wearing tight leather but his face was clear and clean and his eyebrows perfect and he looked so innocent and young and by God did he look beautiful.

I looked over at John and expected him to be trying to keep his cool, trying to play cool but I found that he was smiling widely and his eyes were wide in excitement and he kept nudging Paul and they grinned at each other and they truly looked like brothers and George just looked calm but you could see in his eyes that when he got home he'd be jumping on the walls in happiness and Pete, Pete Best was smiling like the rest of them but he just looked out of place (or maybe that was just my opinion because I'd seen so many photos with Ringo that John, Paul and George without him didn't seem natural).

The meeting was over and I watched the four Beatles leave and I couldn't keep down a laugh when John draped his arms over his three friends and began to sing loudly.

"Excited Bri?" I asked while inspecting my nails trying to look casual when inside I was freaking out.

"Oh Ellie, this-oh this is just amazing." He gushed and he truly looked like an excited child even with that fancy suite.

I got home that day and I just sat on my bed. I was thinking about the Beatles and how Ringo was going to come in soon and then I started to think of Bob and I was actually shocked when I felt an overwhelming need to see him again. I'd concluded quickly that I was in love with him and when I realised that I just felt stupid and I still feel stupid when I think about it now because I wasn't even with the guy and I loved him, I remember wishing that is was 2014 so I could talk to him but then I froze when I realised it wouldn't even be 2014 in my time anymore, I was 19 at that time and I still wanted to go home but I also didn't and that just made me feel terrible.

A few days after the contract was signed I was sitting in a clothing store of sorts as The Beatles tried on suits and made ideas while John sulked in the corner.

"Fuckin' monkey suits." John kept muttering and I wanted so badly to make a joke or just talk to him but I wasn't over the fact that I was near John Lennon. Paul told John off for me I suppose.

"Stop ye whining Lennon." He teased and John groaned in response. George laughed and Pete just sort of smiled.

"I ain't wearing no prissy suit!"

Brian looked at John nervously trying to find a way to convince him and before I knew what I was doing I had already gotten up and practically shoved a suite in John's face. I was still confused and angry at Bob and hearing the great John Lennon whine was funny but it did get old.

"You'll get more business if you put on a suite, if you don't look like you're about to stab someone and haven't had a proper wash in days. You'll get more gigs." I argued and that was the first argument I had ever intended to start with John and when we remembered this many years later we toasted and laughed saying 'the first to many'.

"More gigs." John scoffed. "Yeah, at prissy clubs!"

"You'll get more money at prissy clubs!"

John looked at me, he looked me over then stared at me face and I don't remember if my face had gone red or not but I do know that I didn't break eye contact and I'm still proud of myself for that.

"I'll wear a suit; I'll wear a bloody balloon if somebody's going to pay me." He pulled the suite out of my hands and walked towards the changing rooms.

Paul let out a wild laugh when John had left and George and Pete followed and I smiled as they laughed among themselves.

Hours later after I had dinner with Brian I went down to the Cavern and ordered the strongest drink.

"What's a little girl like you need a drink like that?" The barman asked with a large friendly smile.

"Engagement problems." I confessed then downed my drink. Even though I wanted not to believe it I knew Bob was serious about his question and I wanted to see him so bad even if I didn't know what I was going to say.

"Well, 'ello there luv."

I turned my head and smiled at John and Paul.

I think at first I wondered where George and Pete were but then I remembered that in the early days John and Paul were hardly anywhere without the other. I don't remember much of that night but John and I drank shots and Paul kissed about five different girls and flirted with many more.

At the time I didn't think I was an alcoholic but really I was. At 19 I was drinking more in one week than some adults do in two, and I know that if my year 8 high school teacher knew she'd kill me and it's a miracle I didn't kill myself with all that alcohol. I was 38 when I gave up drinking for good but we'll get to that eventually I'm sure.

One of the only moments I really remember of that night was me and Paul walking to my apartment together ( later John told me he had been so drunk he left without Paul and Paul and I just went home together on instinct almost), we got to my door and we were giggling madly as I fumbled with the keys. Paul and I eventually got inside and we just laughed. He fell on my bed and a minute later I fell beside him because it was my bed and my drunken mind didn't focus enough to see the problem of it already being occupied.

The whole room was silent until I heard Paul turn his head and open his mouth:

"You don't want to shag me do you?"

I turned my head around and I felt like punching him for asking such a questions thinking he must've thought every girl wanted to shag him and I coughed and kicked at the bed and told him "No you fucking cunt, Christ just sleep ya twat" but it was the next morning when I woke up with his head on my shoulder when I realised how tired his voice was when he asked that question and how his eyes were shut tightly and just how overall tried he looked and I still don't know why he asked that but I suppose I won't waste time thinking about because he never told me.

_Years and years and years later many books would state how I was one of the only people who didn't 'fall for Paul's looks' as opposed to getting to know him and even George said something once about that statement: "Ellie and Paul fitted well together and they didn't have that sexual need for each other that most girls had for Paul and most boys had for Eleanor because Eleanor didn't just see his face and Paul thought Eleanor was funny". _

* * *

_**Is anyone liking this story? should i continue? should i stop? is my character good? what should i change? whats good? whats bad?** _


	6. Chapter 6

_August, 1962_

August was a good month overall that year. It had been months since I last saw Bob and well I honestly thought that was the end of that whole 'relationship' but to the good part of that month of that year: I met Mr Richard Starkey for the first time.

But let's catch up before I talk about the first crazy weeks of August (crazy actually being an understatement at the time). Getting along with The Beatles was hard at first, George was either too quiet or oddly friendly and when he was quiet (which was most of the time at the start) he'd just be staring off into space and I hardly talked to him at all during 1962, Lennon and McCartney was worst: they never left each other's side and if anyone even tried to talk to them they had this odd banter between them that made everyone else around them uncomfortable and they made a game out of teasing anyone who tried to make conversation. I think going out drinking with them that one time did help our 'bond', in the early days I had a stronger liking for Paul (Who was just like what I read about him, he was charming and funny and everything, just like in the many Beatles books I owned) than I had for John (who was exactly like in the books and in the first year or so I didn't experience the famous caring, warm side he had) and Pete, poor Pete Best…to be honest I didn't really try to get to know him, I sometimes wish I did just because Pete would go on to describe me as 'cold, rude and just like the rest' and even though I have been called worst just him saying that was hurtful because I never said a word against him.

Brian had been overworked but he remained happy and Taylor got along with the Beatles simply because he did whatever they wanted. If they wanted ciggie-Taylor would have it. They wanted booze-Taylor would have it. They wanted magazines-Taylor would have it. It annoyed me to some degree but in 1962 a lot of things annoyed me mostly because for most of that year my patience was running low due to my hate and anger towards Bob Dylan.

When it reached March the 12th I had received presents from Brian and Taylor, I don't remember what I got and I don't really remember the day at all except that The Beatles wished me a happy birthday and John quipped that I was growing up too fast and growing old.

Before I met Ringo on the 14th of August John, Paul and George had come running into the store and asked me over the counter what I thought of Pete Best.

"He's a uh a nice lad I suppose." I shrugged and watched in amusement as John's face fell because he expected me to 'bitch' about how I hated the 'daft sod' because I never spoke to him.

"Ok then." John sighed in annoyance. "His drumming, what do you think of his drumming?"

"I've seen better." I answered with a blank expression as I tried to hold down my large smile.

That was all the three young men needed. They grinned at each other (Paul's grin was the smallest and now that I remember it there was clear guilt reflecting in his eyes, John had his natural grin etched onto his face and George had the biggest grin, pure happiness covered his face) then thanked me and smiled then left.

I met Ringo Starr on the 15th of August in 1962, the day after John had offered him to join The Beatles and he agreed. Ringo had come up to me and introduced himself and I froze, it was safe to say that Ringo was certainly one of my most favourite Beatles. I reached out his hand and I clung on in a tight awkward hand shake and I laughed and said I absolutely loved his drumming and I laughed more and he just looked at me with a smile and then we talked for a little while before he had to leave and I had concluded that what the books said was true, Ringo was the nicest Beatle (I asked him in 1969 why he had come up to find me just to introduce himself and he smiled at me and said John had told him it would brighten my day and at the time I didn't know why it would but when I remember it now I was pretty sad during 1962 and maybe I was wrong when I said I hadn't experienced John Lennon's kindness that year).

I remember clearly the day i met Freda Kelly, she was so shy, so nice. We really hit it off straight away almost, she was used to my odd behaviour and my habit of swearing in every sentence and my drinking and smoking because she was so use to John. She saw me as a Beatle almost and we really became friends right away, no drama or questioning and i think she was the first friend i made in a normal way. Freda called me Lizzy, for the first few weeks when she knew me she thought my name was Elizabeth because she never asked my name (Freda told me years later that she was afraid of me a bit because i was always out in clubs and drinking) and the nickname 'Lizzy' just stuck, I had a habit of calling her Fred.

I met Klaus Voormann early on and at first we didn't like each other, i wasn't interested in Art and for some reason he thought i said i didn't like his art (which isn't true because my God they're amazing, He's a beautiful artist) and for a few weeks we really didn't like each other but then-i don't even know what happened-we started to act better towards each other. Maybe if i wasn't in love with Bob at that time i would have fancied him. Anyway we were friends for the rest of my life.

On the 16th Paul found me manning the music store and told me that Pete had gotten fired. I ignored the guilt in his eyes and smiled at him instead because that was how it was meant to go and Pete's misfortune wasn't my problem (maybe Pete was right when he called me cold and rude).

Of course as you know Ringo's first gig with the band didn't go too well. Brian's car tires were slashed, Ringo was mobbed and George received a black eye. I saw Pete Best at the back of the Cavern but he left as Ringo was getting into his drumming, I'm not sure but I think Pete knew Ringo was better than him and he was jealous and even with all those people "Pete forever! Ringo never!" it still didn't replace the feeling of betrayal he must have felt in that moment when he saw John, Paul and George smiling and laughing with Ringo on stage.

By September Ringo had made his place within the fans and within the band. Even though I was happy for them and even though I wanted to spend all day just being near The Beatles- I was sad, maybe it was just the whole thing with Bob or maybe it was just the dull sadness that never really left me for years but nonetheless a week into October I borrowed some money from Taylor (Stoles a dirty word) and booked a flight for New York. This time Paul and George saw me off as Ringo and Brian were talking business and John was with Cynthia, it was that moment when I realised that I was in the Beatles life's and they were in mine and I was giggling to myself the whole flight.

I won't bore you with too many details but I found Bob after about four days and the moment I saw him I slapped him right across the face.

"You're a fucking twat Zimmerman." I hissed and he looked hurt but I could see he was pushing down a smile.

"It's actually Bob Dylan now." He smiled at me and I always hated whenever he tried to act cool because he always ended up acting like a douche.

"I don't give a flying fuck what your name is! Do you know how much I've been stressing over the fact that you motherfucking **proposed **to me two seconds before I left on a plane to go to LIVERPOOL! As far as I was concerned I thought I'd never see you again and I came all the way here to do so and now you acting like a dick, I can't believe this is what my life is I can't believe how much of an arse hole you are. Fucking Christ you're a fucking twat **Zimmerman." **I hit him hard on the chest and he stumbled backwards and he grunted and he tried to stop me from hitting him again but I just kept pushing him until I realised my predicament. I had spent most of my teen life listening to Bob Dylan, laughing at videos of him confusing interviewers, googling photos of him and now I was yelling at him for proposing to me? I laughed and I laughed and I leant on my knees and laughed more, then Bob joined in because in that moment he realised he fell in love with a crazy person.

"Do you want to marry me?" He asked amongst his laughing fit.

"Fucking Christ, fine." I kissed him hard on the mouth and I truly felt I was in love. "Yes." I whispered more soft and gentle.

I liked to tell that story differently before this, I always liked to say I had no idea what to say and I had flown to America out of crazy impulse and I really had no clue what I was going to do but that's a lie…I came to America, to New York because I wanted to marry Robert Zimmerman.

We fell in love over the course of only a month, he proposed to me at an airport seconds before I got on a plane, we spent months pinning after each other but not even once daring to write, I then took a plane back to America for the sole purpose of marrying him and even though he didn't know that he still had the guts to ask me again because in his mind he somehow knew I wouldn't say no. it was insane and crazy and stupid but hell, it was the Sixties and insanity and craziness was made for the sixties.


	7. Chapter 7

_1962-1963_

I married Bob Dylan on the 15th of December 1962.

The two months before the wedding was hectic, as any wedding but I may have not mentioned this but anxiety was a major factor in my personality. Like any fiancée I was controlling and I don't remember how many times I cried because fuck a dick I was going to get married and fuck a dick I had no one to invite (Brian didn't count in my mind because he was always just 'there'). I wasn't a social person, I flirted but I never had the courage or skills to pursue a friendship because I thought just staying around people I knew (Taylor and Brian being the only people until The Beatles came along) and I guess I time flew by I just gave up trying to get more friends. Although Bob reassured me it was fine I still couldn't help but keep myself awake from thinking about it.

At the start of December Bob and I moved to London, when Bob played 'Blowin' in the wind' I almost squealed in happiness because I'd seen that performance so many times on YouTube and now I was seeing it live. It was surreal.  
However the day after the performance I once again began to panic not because of the wedding but because I kept tracing the scar on my right wrist and I just hated feeling the dark pink lines (but at the same time I loved the feeling and I hated that I loved it), I don't know what I would have done if Brian hadn't called me.

"Hey Luv." He greeted and I smiled at the excitement in his voice.

"Bri, how nice of you to call me."

"You're getting married." Brian's voice was in awe and he sounded like he couldn't believe it (which was a natural reaction, I was immature and flirty and at the same time un-social, so it didn't shock me when Brian was completely shocked to silence when I told him).

"Yeah." I couldn't believe it either.

"I-we-we'll be getting to London in a few days."

"Aren't you busy with The Beatles?"

"No, they'll be fine. It's all worked out."

The conversation was long and repetitive but I didn't hang up because I needed to hear someone's voice, someone other than bob, and someone other than myself.

_15__th__ of December, 1962_

I wasn't surprised when Brian showed up the day of the wedding; he hated lateness among his staff but him? Oh he could be late, that fucker could be late.

"He'll be here." Cynthia assured me with a smile (and yes, her smile was even more beautiful in person).

In a frantic attempt to find anyone that would come to the wedding for me I had rung up John Lennon's first wife and requested her presence (she tells me I was nearly in tears but honestly I don't remember). The other woman there (she invited herself but I valued her presence) was Joan Baez (and yes, that did feel a tad bit awkward in a way).

Freda Kelly, of course, was there. She was my best friend for many, many years. We were so close so of course she was going to be at my wedding.

Just as Cynthia said that, Brian ran into the room as if on cue.

"You look amazing." He said and I remember I wrapped my arms around my waist and forced a smile. I've said this before and I'll say it again: in those days (and many days after) me and my body weren't good. I don't remember what I thought I looked like when I looked in the mirror but I knew I was sad whenever I looked.

"You do." Brian said and that was the most honest I'd ever heard his voice. His eyes were filled with more than then he'd ever look at me with again. He loved me, there's no mistaking that but he wasn't the best at showing it and it amazed me that he could look at me like that and say that in that way in front of other people.

I just nodded.

"Who's going to walk you down the aisle?" he asked and his eyes were wide in confusion and he looked so innocent and I could have laughed but I wanted to act cool, so I grinned and put my hands on my hips.

"You are you twat."

I gripped Brian's arm tightly (I bet it hurt, from the look on his face I'm sure it hurt) when I saw four men in suits sitting up the front of the cheap old church. John was nudging Paul and they were giggling to themselves quietly, George was looking around at the all the other people subtly and Ringo was just smiling-that large, childish understanding smile.

That moment made me want to go back to my time and tell everyone and rub it in people's faces and just laugh because The Beatles were at my wedding.

"Hey." Bob greeted quietly and I looked at him for the first time and my heart leaped and I smiled. I smiled genuinely for the first time in about a week because that was happening and I was happy.

"Sup." I blurted out and I felt my face burnt red and I saw John have to cover his mouth to stop himself from laughing.

The wedding went on and I couldn't stop looking at Bob and I was so happy that he couldn't stop looking at me.

Then came the time to get the rings and I had to laugh when John Lennon shuffled up to the front with two gold rings. He blew a kiss to Cynthia and I saw Paul shaking his head as John grinned at me.

"No Pete, then?" I couldn't help but ask with a grin that could rival John's, he just shook his head and his grin widened and I had to tear my eyes away and look back at Bob who hadn't moved his gaze from my face.

"I love you." Bob simply said, "An even though I asked you to marry me seconds before you got on a plane for England you still said yes and I'll never be able to thank you for that."

He put that ring on my finger and I just wanted to shove it in all the people's faces who called me ugly in high school because here I was getting married to Bob Dylan and where were they? For the first time I didn't give a damn.

"You're lucky I said yes." I said back and I'm glad I said that because it made Bob's shoulders less tense and his smile wider and I was so glad I made that man happy on his wedding day.

"YOU'RE A MARRIED WOMAN." John yelled as he and Cynthia came bounding up to me, Bob was off talking to his mum and I was left standing awkwardly at our table.

"Better believe it Lennon."

"Paulie better keep his hands off ya now." John joked and I saw Paul appear out of nowhere it seemed and flip him the bird and I heard Ringo's laugh and I saw Cynthia's happy smile and I smiled at the way John smiled at Cynthia and at the way Paul kept asking when cake was actually going to be a thing at the wedding and Ringo who just smiled and Freda who could not stop gushing about my dress and how happy she was for me and Brian and Taylor who just stood by my side and smiled at me and Jesus Christ I was so happy that day.

_(for years I had no idea where George had run off to but believe it or not the first meeting George had with Bob was a few short seconds of George 'the quiet one' Harrison telling Bob Dylan not to hurt me. I groaned when I heard that story because that wasn't supposed to be their first meeting but at the same time I laughed and cried because George was special.)_

After that day I didn't see The Beatles again in 1962 and I only saw them twice in 1963. I wasn't a constant presence in those four boys life's for years, I stayed with Bob and I received letters from the boys that I still have to this day.

_Dear Ellie, Eleanor, Murphy, Dylan, Zimmerman,_

_First of all I really do think you should settle on a permanent name as I find it extremely annoying whenever I try to mention you in a conversation (I have at this time settled for 'that girl who married that folk singer' for you), I'm trying very hard to spell and write well because I know your brain can't handle many things (IT'S A JOKE LOVE). Paul is missing you and I am not so much but Brian has been more serious and more of an arse (more like himself) without you so come and visit soon. We (The Beatles) have been so bloody busy and I've been meaning to write to you for a while but we've been working our fucking arses off. Please don't send my love to your darling beloved because I can't even remember the bugger's name._

_P.S. WE HAVE OUR THIRD APPEARANCE ON THAT TV SHOW THANK YOUR LUCKY STARS IN A MONTH, WE'VE BEEN THERE TWICE ALREADY-AIN'T THEY SICK 'A US?_

_With Luv xxxx, _

_John._

* * *

_Don't miss us too much Luv, xxxxxxxxx love Paul McCartney _

_(Come and visit soon! and I'll write more but it's odd how busy we are! xxxxxx)_

* * *

_Dear Eleanor Murphy (Dylan) _

_It's already the end of 1963? Where have you been? _

_I wanted to visit you in London while you were there but we've been busy! Oh Ellie, I heard "Love Me Do" on the radio and I think I almost ran over the curb and if you haven't heard "From Me To You" is number one and Brian is certain the whole album will be number one and I think even George Martin has money on it. _

_I hope you have been doing well and have been enjoying married life despite not being able to see us._

_From, George Harrison._

* * *

_Dearest El,_

_The album is number one and I am happy Eppy let me finally drum. No news from that Best bloke but I do think Eppy tried to hook him up with another group. You are right, Brian is too nice. Paul still feels guilty but John and George are too busy rolling in money to care. They send their love by the way._

_We are all amazing and happy and I hope you are more so._

_With great love and care, Ringo Starr xxx_

Letters like these have been annualized and put into books and used to determine which Beatle 'liked me more' and I find it strange although I used to do the same thing when I first got these.

_14 April 1963_

This was the first time I really visited The Beatles in 1963, I had been with them for a week before the 14th and was leaving to stay with Bob three days after the 14th. So maybe I'd picked this day to come and visit because maybe I wanted to meet The Rolling Stones and maybe if that was the reason would you blame me? No, I didn't think so.

So there I was standing in-between George and Paul at the back of Crawdaddy Club in Richmond. John, Paul, George and Ringo were all wearing matching leather jackets and matching hats and I was wearing a short black dress and we all looked like a gang, a group for the first time.

I saw Mick Jagger look straight at us and I grinned because I knew he'd saw the leather jackets and I knew his mind was already working out how famous he would have to be to get one.

The second and last time I visited The Beatles was when I returned to London. We once again saw The Rolling Stones in some club in London and I forget where it was but I remember what happened.

We entered their dressing room and Mick Jagger being Mick Jagger immediately came up to me but John was quick to point out that I was married although Mick continued to smile at me. I know I didn't talk to Brian Jones because he was annoying John with something about music I didn't care about.

I spent most of the time standing next to Paul but then Keith Richards said something, I don't remember what he said (he doesn't either) but I turned my head and we looked at each other and he narrowed his eyes and I said something (which once again neither of us could remember) and then we spent a single second glaring at each other before George touched my shoulder and Brian asked Keith a question and we broke eye contact but God I hated him, I have no idea why at first (though over the years we gave each other many reasons) but I did and he didn't like me and I was a bit disappointed at first because Keith Richards was my favourite member of The Rolling Stones but over the years as I said we began to give each other many reasons to hate each other.


	8. Chapter 8

_1963_

My life with Bob in 1963 was very good; the first year of our marriage seemed perfect.

I was extremely proud of him when he walked off the Ed Sullivan Show during rehearsals because they wouldn't let him play his song "Talkin' John Birch Paranoid Blues" and he was so happy that I was proud and I was so, so happy that he was happy because that was the reason. Bob and Joan were both prominent in the civil rights movement, they sung together at the March on Washington on August 28, 1963. Bob dragged me along and I remember I couldn't keep my eyes off him all day; I was so in love that year.

_1964_

In January 1964 I received a letter from Paul McCartney and I couldn't stop smiling for hours after reading it.

_Dear Ellie,_

_You'll never guess what's happened! 'I Wanna Hold Your Hand' has been number one in four countries! Oh Ellie we're making it. 'To the toppermost of the toppermost!', right? _

_Have you heard any of our songs on the radio? I bet you have. Do you know why? We're going on tour soon in America! You better see come and see us. Eppy thinks we'll be bigger than Elvis, can you believe that? Bigger than Elvis? I don't think that will happen but we're going to America anyway._

_I'm scared about going Ellie, how is America? What if the Americans don't want us? They have so many groups why would they want us? John's much more confident than me as you can guess. Even though I'm scared I'm still more excited. _

_Anyway how are you? How are you and Bob? I hope you had an amazing Christmas and I hope you got my gift._

_P.S. John says you have to come to a show in America and George and Ringo sent their love._

_With love xxxxxxxxxxxxx Paul McCartney xxx_

I couldn't help but squeal as the read that letter because in a month The Beatles were going to take over America.

"What's up with you?" Bob asked me laughing a bit with a smile.

"Just a letter." I replied and I kissed him.

On the 28th of January 1964 Brian called me asking me to tag along on The Beatles US tour.

"What?" I asked. I didn't even know if I wanted to go.

"You still technically work for me." Brian tried.

"Yeah but I'm kinda busy being married here Bri." I was so pissed because even though I wanted to be there with The Beatles, I had Bob and I didn't want to spend a day away from him.

"Please I need you, despite your apparent lack of common sense and brain cells-" _Brian didn't approve of my marriage because I was married to a man who asked me to marry him seconds before I got on a plane…..I didn't let Bob forget that. _"-The boys listen to you (to an extent) and hiring you would be easier than-"

"Now the real reason comes out." I said dryly.

Bob entered the room and laid his head on my shoulder trying to listen to the conversation.

"We're leaving on 7th of February. Early. We'll be in London by the time you get here if you leave tomorrow….So?"

I didn't want to say no but then I looked at Bob and he looked so beautiful so I didn't want to go.

"Brian, I can't. I'll ring you tomorrow. Bye, Love ya-send my love to the boys and Taylor, yeah?"

I hung up the phone and Bob smiled at me.

"Wants you to go somewhere, does he?"

"He walked me down the aisle but still insists on bossing me around like a common worker." I joked although Bob and I knew I was only half kidding.

"Go." Bob said. His voice half joking, half serious.

"What will you do without me?" I drawled.

"How long will you be gone?"

"Couple months."

"Go." Bob said again but that time he meant.

"Trying to get rid of me? Eh, Zimmerman?"

"You want to go, I can see it in your eyes and who am I to deny my wife anything."

I kissed him and I didn't stop until I started missing him again.

"I can't."

"Go Ellie. I'll miss you like I always do-fuck, I miss you when you're gone for an hour but I'll be fine, I'll be good." He kissed me again and I felt as ease and content.

"Just don't go and fall in love with someone else." He joked.

An hour later I rang Brian back and when I finally got through to him I slammed the phone down as soon as he answered.

"I already told everyone you were coming."

I was so pissed, still am, and I remember cursing Brian fuckin' Epstein until Bob got that sad look off his face and started laughing. He kissed me again and I think you know what happened next.

I arrived in London on the 6th in a mad mood, I was greeted with a tight hug from Paul and I glared at Brian who was standing behind Paul. Ringo laughed and George and john grinned at each other as I flipped the bird at Brian who could only laugh.

I hadn't realized it then but it was good to be home.

"Ready to go?" I whispered in Paul's ear as we boarded the plane for America. He was scared, when I read all my books about him being a bit sceptical about the bands success in America I hadn't known he'd be that scared, Paul honestly thought The Beatles were going to get booed out of the country.

"Have to be." Paul muttered.

When we all settled on the plane I suddenly realised something and there is no denying that I am an idiot for only realising it then.

"WAIT. WAIT. WAIT. WE'RE GOING TO AMERICA, RIGHT?!" I didn't lower my voice and everyone looked at me with wide eyes.

"Yes." John answered slowly.

"WHY DIDN'T I MEET YOU THERE? I LIVE IN BLOODY AMERICA!"

"She finally realises it." Brian laughed and I glared at him murderously.

"GODDAMN IT BRIAN! WHY DID I HAVE TO GET ON A PLANE TO BLOODY LONDON WHEN WE WERE GOING RIGHT BACK TO FUCKING AMERICA?!"

Brian only laughed and he only wanted me there so I could help him get things ready and oh my God he really did boss me around.

From then on any time one of The Beatles looked at me they'd giggle and then I'd growl then everyone would giggle. I was happy to make them laugh even if I was the joke.

_Ringo would say that incident helped everyone calm down because even with all that fame because I did something so 'me' as he called it helped them realise things weren't changing as drastically as they thought it would._

"_None of us could stop laughing the whole plane trip even though we were nervous any time we looked at El, who was positively fuming, we couldn't stop laughing. She was pissed but we knew she didn't mean it, not that much anyway, we saw her smile."-Ringo Starr_

"Is that your son?" I asked John. He was kept looking at two photos that he had.

"Yeah." He replied and his cheeks flushed a tiny bit making him look shy.

I took the photo out of his hand and just smiled at the photo. It was of Cynthia and the new born Julian, it was so beautiful but I couldn't help but be a bit sad because….well you know, I knew what would happen and that made me sad.

"He's marvellous, ain't he?." John told me and he looked so proud and happy and that look made my heart ache.

"He looks beautiful." I simply told him and John's smile grew even wider and I couldn't take it anymore so I gave the photo back and with a smile I went to sit beside George.

I woke up to the screeching of the plane stopping and George told me I mumbled for Paul to shut up before I opened my eyes.

The four lads from Liverpool were clued to the window. Their eyes wide and mouths open in shock and excitement. I laughed but quickly slapped my hand over my mouth and I had to force myself from jumping up and down because Jesus Christ the people and Jesus Christ the looks on John, Paul, George and Ringo's faces was just priceless, I quickly whipped out my camera (because I finally had enough money to get a new one) and snapped the 'moment'. That photo is all over google, Tumblr, fucking everywhere. The Beatles shocked faces let the world know that not at one point did they ever expect what they got, they were shocked like any other 'normal' person would be shocked in that moment.

Paul grabbed my arm in excitement before Brian laughed and informed the band I had to stay with him to organise things (_Ugh work_). George waved at me while John mock saluted.

They walked off the plane and I could hear the screams.

Watching The Beatles first US interview was so much better watching it in person rather than watching it one YouTube. And God they were so normal, the questions annoyed John from the start but overall The Beatles thought the interview was amazing, they had so much fun and Brian was practically bouncing up and down next to me.

Those four guys were so funny and I saw the moment when the surprise appeared on the interveners faces when they realised it.

I couldn't hold in my laughter and George kept grinning at me as Brian kept trying to shush me.

God, I remember in that moment I just thought they were amazing. All four of them standing there just made me forget about what I knew about the future and just enjoy that moment, their smiling faces and I wasn't just happy because they were happy I was happy because I was standing next to Brian and I watching, in person, my four idols give their first American interview and I was just really happy. I wasn't a very happy person and I'm not saying I wasn't happy with Bob because Fuck I was but there was hardly a day when something didn't bring me down but at that moment I remember thinking I could be happy for a long time just being with those four guys. In that moment I was happy and my eyes were trained on their faces and my mind was filled with nothing but music.

_Dear Bobby,_

_I have arrived in New York and I'm terribly pissed off. Brian tricked me to get a plane to London then right back to America, oddly enough (or not so odd) I only figured that out when we were leaving for New York. Brian only wanted me to help him organise things before the flight! Can you believe his nerve? _

_The plane trip was amazing but I wished you were there with me the entire flight, I haven't stopped thinking about you and I doubt I will until I can see you again. I'd be happier spending everyday with you but as Brian said: I still technically work for him. He's a pain in my ass and boy does he know it._

_I'll be writing larger letters to you after this one but this one can only be short because I'm very busy (Brian is working me like a dog, for fucks sake) but I wanted to write to you as soon as I got to New York._

_I love you._

_With true love, El xx_

_My dear El,_

_Missing you more I bet. _

_I love you more than the sky loves the stars and I miss you as much as the moon misses the sun._

_Work is keeping me busy but all the work can't stop me from thinking of and missing you as I have done since the second you left._

_Don't fall in love with some dumb American because you're already married to this dumb American._

_With deep, pure, true love, _

_Bobby xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx_

* * *

**_Should i continue you this story? i have a lot of ideas for this Fic but i'll only continue if people want me to Xx :)_**


	9. Chapter 9

_1964_

8th of February, the rehearsal day for the Ed Sullivan show. I had to carry all the equipment and get the lights and sound right and I've been informed that I spent all day muttering curses to everyone which is only far because I didn't even work for the bloody show so why in God's name was I setting up the bloody lights and sound? I have no fucking idea….Yes, I'm still quite bitter about it. That day George was sick so Neil had to step in his place which was amusing enough, that man looked too awkward with a guitar.

I'm just gonna say that the 8th was a terrible day, I had to work with things I didn't know how to work with and the end to that day was worse.

I went to my hotel room (I was in the same hotel as The Beatles but my room was on the other side) and I had a shower and when I got out I just wanted to fall on my bed and sleep for years but then I looked at the mirror, then I looked at the sink and there was the razor I'd used just minutes before in the shower and I couldn't stop looking at it and me in the mirror. I don't remember how I long I looked at that razor or the mirror but eventually I picked up the razor and, well I think you can guess what I did.

If you think I cut myself because I was tired or because I missed Bob then you're wrong, it was one of those cuts when you really have no idea why you're doing it, while you're cutting all you can think about is the pain and how to put a bandage on it without getting blood everywhere and then when it's all wrapped up….that's when you think 'why the fuck did I do that?' and you still don't know. Two deep cuts right across my right wrist, I put about four Band-Aids on them and hoped to God they wouldn't come off during the night, I just looked at my wrist and I couldn't help but cry because shit I wanted my mum, I wanted my old friends and I just wanted to go home.

I cried for hours and then I woke up and it was time to leave for the Ed Sullivan show.

"Are you alright?" I remember Brian asking me and I just laughed and smiled and told him I was excited because I was, The Beatles were taking over America and I was about to watch it happen.

It was about an hour before The Beatles were about to get on and I was fixing the stage and getting the instruments ready and Ringo came running over to me. We talked and laughed and then suddenly his eyes were glued to my wrist, I didn't even look down I just shook my head and smiled at me before I walked away.

_("I saw it and I think I was the first one of us-us four-to see it and I wanted to say something but as soon as I saw it she got so sad which was weird because she was happy just seconds before and I felt like shit for making her sad and I was just frozen, El just shook her head and left and I was still frozen until John came up and told me we were on"-Ringo)_

Watching them preform was just marvellous. Hearing John and Paul sing 'I wanna hold your hand' was just amazing. The Beatles were taking over America, before all this happened I was in 2014 and the 50th anniversary to this day had already happened, I smiled and I just wanted to tell them how important this was to the world but I let it be. I'm not sure if seeing them play made me forget about my cuts but while they were playing I was just happy they were happy. Other people being happy made me happy, maybe I care about people too much-my old friends all used to say I needed to care about myself more but whenever people start to do that than their a heartless person, a bitch…truth is, you can't win and most of the time you hardly change the world you live in but I guess that wasn't really my 'world' so maybe I had a chance to make a difference….maybe if I thought like that at that time I would have been happier.

I didn't want to die but I didn't want to just exist and like Kurt Cobain said 'It's better to burn out than to fade away' but Courtney Love said that was a fucking lie so I was confused.

"You guys were alright." I teased lightly when the show came to a close.

"Better than that." John scoffed.

"That was bloody brilliant." George laughed.

"I wonder how many people watched." Ringo wondered.

"A bloody lot." Paul grinned.

I ignored Ringo's stare and laughed with the others until he began to laugh too.

The rest of that time was good, I didn't cut myself again during that time and I guess I got closer to The Beatles but one of the things I remember every detail to was me and Brian's fight. He'd just told me that he needed me to stay on a staff for him for the whole year because he needed me to help the filming for their first movie and needed me as an organiser for their first world tour.

"What the fuck do you mean I have to stay with you the whole fucking year?!" I yelled at him because Brian had no right no matter what he thought.

"You still work for-"

"Don't use that shit on me Brian!"

"I thought you liked The Beatles!"

"I love them! But I have a life! I have a husband! A home!"

"Bob will be fine-"

"I don't give a fuck if he's fine! I care about if I'm fine!"

"Don't be so selfish!"

"I'm se-Fuck you! I can care about myself without being called selfish!"

We stared at each other until I felt like punching him so I looked away.

"I can't stay Brian, I need to go home."

"You'll be fine, it'll be fine." His voice was so soft and I felt like it was the start again.

"I'm not good Brian." I whispered.

"I'll make sure you are, you're good, don't-just stay."

Brian had a terrible habit of holding on to people for dear life once he cared about, he wouldn't let people go once he started to trust him and I knew that. I read so many books that said that about Brian Epstein but I never thought I'd be one of the people he wanted to stick around. Whenever we fought I didn't think about whatever I read about him I only yelled at him as he yelled at me because suddenly he wasn't a bunch of facts in a book, he was a friend and I was fighting with him.

I rang Bob up three hours later.

"Bob."

"El? What's wrong?"

"I think this whole trip's gonna take longer than I thought…"

"How many months?"

"…"

"El?"

"…A year."

"A YEAR?!"

"Bob, I-"

"We're married Eleanor you can't just run off for a year-"

"I know-"

"Do you?"

"I DO! Do you actually think I won't miss you? Do you think I'll cheat on you?"

"Don't turn this around on me."

"I'm not, I want to come home but-"

"-But you promised Epstein."

"….You always knows me, don't ya?"

"Don't you dare make me laugh El or I swear to God I'll be pissed."

"I want to come home but-Would you come home if you were away singin'?"

"El….."

"Answer the question."

"…Only for a year?"

"Dumbass, yes only for a year."

"Seems like a long time."

"Seems like we're always waiting for each other."

"You'll never let me forget that will you?" I felt better because I heard the chuckle in his voice.

There was complete silence on both our ends for a few seconds before I heard Bob take a large breath.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"Don't fall in love with someone else, yeah?"

"I love you."

"I love you too."

We said a few more personal things that are none of your damn business before I hung up.

"You alright luv?" Paul asked me a few hours later.

"Fine…you know other than having a burning need to punch Brian in the face….I'm fine."

"You've been saddled with us for a while, haven't ya?"

"It's finally happened." I sighed dramatically. "We've become a package deal."

"Is your-is Bob ok?"

"He thinks I'm gonna fall in love with you and he also wants to punch Brian in the face."

Paul put his arm around me and smiled that large charming smile of his.

"Falling in love with me? Sorry if you can't resist my charms."

I stifled a laugh and punched Paul as hard as I could in the arm. We laughed and for a second I felt like I was in high school again just laughing with my friends before I realised I was 20 years old.

One really good thing happened during that first trip to New York with The Beatles; I got to talk to Cynthia more. Sure she was my maid of honour at my wedding but that was only because she was one of two girls I knew, but during that trip to New York Cynthia and I became friends which was a win for me because I didn't make friends, I met people and got nervous. John kept saying I would be a bad influence on his wife and we all laughed and I feel like 1964 was when I finally found where I stood with The Beatles, I was their friend.

_2__nd__ of March, 1964_

Fast forwards a month and we were back in London and today was the day the filming for 'A hard day's night' began.

Now I'm just gonna say that I love the first Beatles movie, fell in love with the four boys once I watched it, I had the original book and quote the movie to the point when it became annoying, for months that movie was my life and when I was there during the filming I was so happy, though I was the one who had to get everything ready for the shoot and I was still pissed at Brian so I'd only talked to him once or twice in a whole month so thinking about those things got me down. One good thing was meeting Astrid Kirchherr.

She was beautiful, cool, amazing, and talented. I wanted to be her, she was just everything I wanted to be and when I first met her my envy made me act pretty rude towards her but within the first week I felt so bad for being jealous because she was so nice. When I wasn't working on the set or telling the four most annoying actors in world where to stand Astrid let me follow her around and see how she took photos. She was so calm and cool and professional and I couldn't take my eyes off her and how she looked when she took her photos. I saw so many of her photos on Google and on Tumblr and to actually see her take them was amazing.

She took so many photos of me with The Beatles and I didn't see some of them until years later. She always thought I was a very important person to all four of them and when she told me that I remember my face turned bright red and I could barely speak so I did what I always did: I laughed until she thought I was crazy.

Her favourite photo of The Beatles and me was a photo she took in the first week of filming, when we were all on that train. I was sitting on one of the train seats and Paul was next to me and Ringo was on my other side and John and George were sitting opposite us and we weren't paying attention to each other. I was reading a book (The Hobbit, I nearly screamed when I saw it), John was had his eyes closed, Paul was writing autographs for a man whose daughter wanted one, George was looking around the train trying to spot Pattie Boyd and Ringo was smoking. She marvelled at how well I 'fit in' with them and she loved how at 'home' we looked. A few years later she would gush to me quietly about 'the five of you' and that's when I realised it wasn't me and The Beatles, The Beatles and Brian's assistant, The Beatles and that girl. It was the five of us, together. John, Paul, George, Ringo and Eleanor. The five of us.

"_You should have seen the way they all looked at her; in those early days there was nothing but love, all love. They loved each other."-Astrid Kirchherr._


	10. Chapter 10

_12__th__ March, 1964_

When my 21st birthday came around we were still filming on the train for 'A hard day's night'. When I was in high school I never set up plans for what my 21st would be like but I never thought I'd spend it with The Beatles while filming my favourite movie. It was a surreal moment and I laughed at how dumb it seemed.

Astrid gave me a photo for my birthday and apologised in confusion as she had no idea it was my birthday, I just had to laugh at the serious apologetic look on her face. The photo was a good one, I still have it and that's why I remember it. In the photo Paul in sitting in one of the big train seats trying to read the script while George is trying to take it away from his from his right, Ringo is sitting next to George visibly laughing and I'm leaning on Paul's seat behind him and leaning my head on his trying to get the script and John is laughing at us while talking to Brian.

George and Ringo sung an extremely out of tune overdramatic version of 'happy birthday' to me while John and Paul hit the seats trying to make a good tune. We all laughed and danced around like idiots, playing it up more when the camera was on us.

On that day Brian came up to me and we've only talked twice since the Ed Sullivan show so it was quite awkward at first.

"Happy birthday." Brian said trying to sound casual.

I looked at him and then looked at the ground and mumbled thanks.

We stood like that for a while, Brian and I were both extremely stubborn at times and neither of us wanted to be the first ones to break. He kept looked at me out of the corner of my eye and I kept doing the same until I couldn't do anything but laugh because we were both so stupid.

"You're such a twat." I laughed.

"I'm sorry." Brian said with a small smile.

Then we just looked at each other and smiled because in those days we didn't need to say anything, we were like Lennon/McCartney we could just look at each other and we'd know.

A week after my birthday I received a letter form Bob.

_Dearest Eleanor,_

_Happy 21__st__ my love! You're growing up and without me it seems, I'll be jumping for joy when you come back and I'll be missing you every second that you're gone. I love you more than words can express and I miss you more than I can say._

_Although I wish you were with me, I'll be happy if you're happy and you better be or heads will roll._

_I miss you and I could say that over and over and over and over again and I'd mean it every time. _

_I miss you._

_I miss you._

_I miss you._

_I miss you_

_I miss you._

_I miss you._

_I miss you._

_I miss you._

_I miss you._

_I miss you._

_Ellie my one and only I LOVE YOU._

_Happy 21__st__ Birthday El and I can't wait to see you Xx_

_LOVE FROM BOB DYLAN xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx_

Even though John scoffed when he read stating he was too 'lame' (which I scoffed at right back because he once wrote Cyn a letter which just consisted of him writing 'I love you' over and over again), I loved it and I read that letter over and over again and Ringo joked about how smitten I was but I was, completely and fully.

The rest of the filming was good, I still had to do most of the work but Brian and I had made up so I wasn't dwelling on that anymore. During the dancing scene when The Beatles escaped from their hotel room the first time I was setting people up so they didn't dance in front of the camera when The Beatles were on and John dragged me on the scene and we danced for a short while. Seeing Ringo dance was a big enjoyment for me, I read about how much of a good party dancer he was and I loved seeing it in person. I couldn't help but laugh at all the girls Paul flirted with and all the girls who flirted with Paul and neither could John, George was just having a good time.

I'm glad John, Paul, George and Ringo had such a fun time while making that movie, it just made me like the movie even more.

_June, 1964_

4th of June: the first date of The Beatles first world tour Copenhagen in Denmark at K.B. Hallen.

Watching them perform was a dream, it was different from the other times I saw them play because shit, this was the WORLD TOUR, and I saw them take over the world. It was unreal. They seemed be to enjoying themselves and I was happy about that, this was their first world tour and apart from all the 'rich' and 'famous' people who invited themselves to their hotel room John, Paul, George and Ringo were happy and loving every minute of performing. Just as I read Ringo was sick during the 4th of June to the 13th, we all missed him and even though I knew he'd be fine I was still worried about him.

During that tour I always thought about the times when they would eventually get sick of all the noise but I tried to ignore that because I wanted to feel happy in the moment.

_12__th__-20__th__, June_

During this time we were in Australia. Jimmy Nicole was with us as he was the replacement for Ringo who had been hospitalized. Jimmy was nice but he was boring, well compared to Ringo anyway. The air wasn't the same, everyone could feel it even Jimmy. George nearly didn't go to Australia, not wanting to go anywhere without Ringo as his drummer and even though John and Paul liked the idea of having a replacement they still looked down about not having Ringo there, I missed him and I even asked Brian if I could stay and help him at the Hospital instead of going to Australia but I was needed on the tour (who else could carry everything? Not Mal no, he was too busy horsing around and trying to act cool). We all missed Ringo; he truly was the light, the personality of that band.

"Where in Australia did you live?" George asked me while we were in the plane to Adelaide.

"Melbourne." I replied. "Our next stop actually."

"Will your family be there?" George asked.

"No, I-they moved you know, they uh they are in the country now. So, no, no I won't see them." I smiled at him but he continued to stare at him.

"Do you want to?"

"No."

"Have you ever been to Adelaide?" George was never subtle in changing the subject but he had that smile on his face and that serious look in his eyes made me laugh and laugh and it always made me laugh, years and years on that look still made me laugh.

"No, no I never have." I laughed.

"New adventure." George said in the thickest Scouse accent and we both laughed as I tried to forget about my family.

I missed my mum and my younger brother (Not so much my older brother who made it a point to call me a 'depressed freak' as least once a week) and I missed my school and my old friends.

_12__th__ June_

_Dear Bobby,_

_We've arrived in Australia (Adelaide to be precise) and what a welcome! We could hear the screams from the air! (Ok so maybe I'm over exaggerating but you know what I mean, there was a lot of people God Bob stop correcting me). Ringo is not with us at this time as he is at the Hospital being treated by beautiful women but we all miss him (although he will be joining the band again soon and we are all jumping for joy), speaking of missing: I miss you. This tour will finish on the 16__th__ of August, I don't know when I'll return after that but it should only be a month or so but even if it's only ONE day I'll still MISS you just as much._

_I THINK ABOUT YOU EVERYDAY AND EVERY NIGHT BOBBY. _

_I love you._

_I miss you._

_I won't fall in love with anyone but you._

_Please believe me; I love you more than I could ever say._

_Luv forever and ever, Ellie xx_

"What are you doing?" John asked me as he sat down (kicking my legs off the couch) on the couch in The Beatles hotel room in Adelaide.

"Writing to Bob." I said without looking up.

"Cute." John scoffed.

"Weren't you writing to Cynthia Yesterday?" I scoffed back, my voice thick with annoyance.

"Shut up." He whined as he opened up a magazine to read.

"Ringo will be back soon." George said in a deadpan voice.

I glanced at Jimmy Nichol and felt a little sorry for him, George didn't hide the fact that he thought Ringo was better and he certainly didn't hide the fact that he wished Ringo was here more than Jimmy.

"Now there's some good news." John said sincerely without looking up from his magazine. Jimmy flinched slightly but he really should have seen that coming, he knew John, Paul and George would never like him as much as they missed Ringo.

Ringo's home coming in Melbourne was a big event during the Australian part of the tour. John, Paul, George and I made a big deal of it and greeted him with open arms. We paid so much attention to him and gushed about him and told him so many things and I'm sure we annoyed him but we were just glad he was home.

I watched that performance I admit I couldn't help but sing along and near the end of the show when Paul welcomed Ringo back and then he sang 'Long Tall Sally' and Ringo playing the drums to that songs was incredible. I had seen that same performance on YouTube re-watched it countless times and danced along to that beat and Paul's voice and by that point I had been in that time for about four years and I still wasn't used to anything.

_To my only love Ellie Dylan (love that more than Zimmerman, don't tell my mom),_

_I love and miss you so much and when you come home I won't be able to voice how much but know that I have never missed anyone like I miss you (same goes for loving you)._

_I'm glad to know you're doing well, seen that Beatles movie and I have to admit I liked it (for the love of God don't tell the press). I smiled so much when I watched it because I know you must have a lot of work into helping (whether you wanted to or not). _

_I know you won't fall in love with anyone else, I love you._

_Missing you is dangerous for me as I can barely concentrate without you but then again when you're with me my mind is busy with other things that are not entirely work safe or at all appropriate for the work place._

_I love you more than most people love anyone I promise this my beloved wife. Wife of mine I love you._

_Forever yours, Bobby xxxxxxxxxx_

"'Nother letter from Bobby?" John asked me as he and Paul entered the Melbourne hotel room.

"How'd you guess?" I asked dryly.

"That stupid smile on ya face." John said in the same dry voice.

I gave him a funny look before I re-read the letter. I did that with every letter I got from Bob, every single one.

"So you used to live here?" Paul asked.

"yeah." I answered.

Melbourne.

I lived there once and well I don't anymore, it was home once and I didn't realise until years later where my actual home was. God, I'm getting so mushy now and it's not even at the sad bit yet.

"So New Zealand, uh?" John scoffed beside me on the plane.

"Bunch a sheep shaggers I say." I said loudly.

"Here! Here!" John laughed in a posh voice.

"Oh behave you too." Paul mock scolded.

"Not our fault." I shrugged.

"She's only right." John agreed.

John and I had a habit of bad mouthing New Zealand whenever we went there because well both our fathers buggered off there once they left us. When I was three my dad just left, gone to New Zealand. Never saw him again. No letters, no nothing. One year my little brother sent him a father's day card and he didn't even bother replying and as you know John's dad left for New Zealand when John was five after a failed attempt to take John with him. John and I enjoyed the laugh we had whenever we were rude about that country and if you, the reader, are from New Zealand please don't be offended because the insults are meant for John and I's dads.

Like John and Paul bonded over the deaths of their mothers, John and I bonded over our deadbeat dads. Though that being said, I didn't have a stronger connection to John or even the same connection to John as Paul did, even now I can't say in words how to describe that friendship.

"Love the touring." John announced suddenly. "But how many interviews do we have to do?" John sounded like a child as he mock pouted.

We all laughed because I have to admit most of the interviews (if not all of them) were only good because of The Beatles, all the reporters asked the same questions until it got to a point where John, Paul, George and Ringo could write down and swap answers because they knew what the question would be.

"Paul! Paul!" I screeched in a terrible American accent. "What do you use in your hair?"

The boys laughed and John stood up on his seat and said in a posh voice:

"Oh when will you boys get a haircut?"

"WE'VE HAD ONE!" we all screamed at the same time.

"How many rings do you wear Ringo?" George asked in a mock pleading voice.

"Wanna see 'em?" Ringo waved his fist in the air in mock warning.

"Oh, oh what _will _you do when the fame ends?" Paul asked in an older, posh BBC voice.

"WHATEVER WE FUCKING LIKE!" we all screamed again.

We fell into our plane seats laughing and we laughed more when we heard Brian sigh loudly.

* * *

"Have you ever been to Wellington?" Paul asked me in the plane to that very destination.

"Nope." I answered without looking up from my book.

* * *

"Have you ever been to Auckland?" Paul asked me as we got on the plane to Auckland.

"Nope." I replied while trying to find a seat.

* * *

"Have you ever been to Dunedin?" Paul asked me as I helped Mal pack the instruments for Dunedin.

"Nope." I groaned.

* * *

"Have you ever been to-"

"Paul if you ask if I've ever been to Christchurch I will hit you, I have literally never been to New Zealand before so for the love of all things holy just stop asking!"

Telling Paul my grandparents were from New Zealand was probably a mistake, though I think he was asking to be a pain after the second time.

* * *

Soon enough the last show of The Beatles first world tour came to a close and only a day later I said my goodbyes to them.

"Thank you so much for staying and I'm so sorry." Brian whispered as he hugged me and kissed my head.

"I'd do anything for you Brian." I said and I meant it but Brian laughed as if it was a joke but I like to think he always knew it was true.

"Seeya boys." I waved with a smile before Paul hugged me. I hugged back tightly before I let go to hug Ringo, then George and finally John.

"Write." John simply said as he let go of me. He looked at me and I couldn't take my eyes off him. I remember wanting to ask him something, wanting to stay just to ask him something but I couldn't talk and funnily enough neither could he. We just looked at each other until my plane was boarding.

"I will." I smiled nervously at John before leaving.

Getting on that plane back to New York was exciting. I couldn't stop smiling all the way.

I opened the door to my home and when I walked into the living room Bob hugged me tightly and kissed me over and over and over again and all we could do was laugh and hug and kiss and then we did something more…..You guys aren't 10 right? You know what I mean.

"I missed you so fucking much." Bob said as he hugged me in our bed.

"I thought of you every day. I jumped on that plane as soon as I could, I only ever thought about you." I said back.

"I love you." He said.

"I love you too." I said back.

God I loved him. I did, completely and fully and I loved him, I loved him and he loved me and Fuck we loved each other but me being away, me just being with The Beatles changed things. I didn't realise it until it was too late.

It wasn't a long wait until I saw The Beatles next. When they started their American tour the journalist Al Aronowitz arranged for Bob to meet The Beatles and of course I came along. That first meeting, first proper meeting, between The Beatles and Bob Dylan was so historic and to witness that, to witness The Beatles try Cannabis for the first time was hard to watch.

_("I couldn't help but be jealous, we weren't even married for two years yet and she leaves for over five months to work with four guys? I was angry, jealous. Yeah of course I was….She changed after that though; Ellie came back this oddly different person…like she'd learnt the secrets of the universe, like she figured out the secret to life."-Bob Dylan)_


	11. Chapter 11

_December, 1964_

Seeing The Beatles again in August was a good time for me, watching them take drugs like that for the first time was a hard thing to stomach but I wasn't a saint myself. I got horribly drunk with John once the reporters went away, Bob had to stay until John and I were finished drowning ourselves in alcohol. And he did wait only complaining once when I tripped over.

I didn't really talk to The Beatles until 1965 but we did write each other and we talked on the phone once or twice.

December was an important time that year, all through November I was sick. Bob and I fought the most during that month because everything pissed me off and I complained about being sick all the fucking time…Thinking back on it now Bob and I were pretty stupid not knowing what was wrong.

On the 1st of December Bob forced me to go to the Hospital for a check-up and with a lot of complaining that's what I did.

I remember being shocked because I wasn't a 'grown up' I was the annoying idiot who everyone called stupid, the 17 year old girl who acted dumb and said the wrong things and couldn't get a date,. I wasn't a mother, I couldn't be pregnant.

But I was, one month in fact.

I was afraid of telling Bob because we hadn't even talked about kids, I went home and I couldn't speak because that was just like when I first dropped in that 'time', I tried so hard to convince myself that It was a dream and when I first got pregnant that's what I did too.

"Hey, so what happened with the Doc?" Bob asked me when he sat down.

I tried to say something cool, or maybe just ignore the question but I only laughed and if you haven't figured it out, I laughed when I start to freak out.

"Ok what's up?"

"Nothing, really Bob just nothing."

"You laughed and you better tell me before you start falling on the ground in tears of laughter, so tell me."

"Fuck you and your knowledge."

"Don't change the subject Ellie."

"…..You'll hate me when I tell you."

"What the fuck-Elli I couldn't hate you, just tell me."

"Oh God, ok, I-it's-fuck, Bobby I-we haven't even fucking talked about it and-"

"Just tell me."

"I'm pregnant."

"You're what?"

"Do I have to explain pregnancy for you?"

"This isn't a joke."

"I know."

"You're gonna be a mom."

"….Yeah."

"And…..And I'm gonna be a dad?"

"Yeah."

He hugged me and he couldn't stop laughing and gushing about 'our' family and I didn't know what to think and it took me a few weeks to fully come to terms with me being pregnant. About three weeks after I told Bob I just thought to myself 'I'm pregnant, I'm gonna have a baby, I'm gonna be a mum', then I laughed and ran up to Bob and I couldn't stop laughing and smiling and that was when we started to actually talk about the whole baby thing.

_To my Dearest most loved friends John, Paul, George, Ringo, Brian and Taylor,_

_I have some amazing news for you all, I know we haven't spoken in a month but I couldn't wait to write this letter._

_My dear family I am Pregnant (YES WITH A CHILD NOT SOME ANIMAL, LENNON). My child is due around July and I was jumping for joy as was Bob, he's happy about being a dad and he won't stop talking about doing 'fatherly' things, he's obsessed with being a good father. I don't know the sex (don't fucking laugh Lennon) of my baby but I'm excited for the surprise._

_John send Cynthia my love (maybe my kid and Julian can hang out! Oh Cyn wouldn't that be wonderful?)._

_I'll try and visit but being PREGNANT might make that a little bit difficult._

_(Oh and guess what? Brian you're the Godfather)_

_Deepest love from Ellie xxxxxxxxxxxxx_

_1965_

The letters I got in return were filled with surprise, shock and love and I was so happy. I do honestly think 1965 was one of my best years. I didn't cut myself at all that year and I was just so happy. Happy with Bob, happy with Brian, happy with John, Paul, George and Ringo, and happy with my babies.

On the 20th of July I gave birth to twins, a boy and girl. I named my daughter Maria and my son Brian, Yes after my beloved friend Brian Epstein. Now, I 'm glad I did that, I'm glad I got to show Brian in that simple way that I loved him.

Before Bob and I's children were born I'd stay with him in nearly all the interviews he did, which I loved because I loved watching all those interviews on YouTube and now I was watching them in person.

I looked after my kids mostly by myself while we were on tour and moved around, although Bob was obsessed with being a good father and doing as much as he could with them, he wanted them to love him so much.

In August Brian invited me to witness The Beatles perform at Shea Stadium, I refused to go the actual show as I knew all that bloody screaming would make my two children deaf. I visited the boys at their hotel after the show and that was where The Beatles met Brian and Maria.

Ringo and Paul sat on the couch and played with the twins, Paul even before he had kids just loved them and they loved him, Ringo was the perfect father figure, Brian loved him when he was growing up (_he still does_).

George played the Guitar softly and smiled widely when he Maria loved it.

Brian couldn't keep his eyes off the kids in amazement, he was their Godfather and he didn't know what to do, he was so shocked when I told him I named my son after him. I think he cried when I told him because he really didn't expect that I cared about him that much…..I like to think by the end of it all he knew, he had to know.

I spent that short time in New York with John. He and I talked about our children but he looked so sad, so lonely and then at that moment that was when I remembered John was so sad in 1965. All that sadness and insecurity became so clear once I remembered.

"You alright Johnny?" I asked and I remember just wanting him to tell the truth.

We were in his hotel room and he just looked at me.

"I am now."

"…..Ok…..Where you sad….an hour ago?"

"Why do you ask exactly? Aren't you supposed to look after your kids? Not to be rude but Ringo's clumsy he might drop you're babies so why are you sitting with me asking if I'm ok?"

"Because you're beautiful."

I didn't know why I said that at the time because it sounded exactly like I was coming on to him or I was flirting but I just wanted John to know he was beautiful because he was and I hated that he thought he wasn't.

John only looked at me, his eyes wide and sad. Gratitude flashed across his face before a grin covered his mouth and we laughed.

1965 was a good year. It really, truly was.

I spent all of my time (well at least 90% of it) with Bob and I was just happy.

In December in San Francisco Bob was doing a press conference. I watched from the sidelines and I tried my hardest to stop myself from laughing because I'd watched that very interview hundreds of times on YouTube and it was hilarious, all those reporters asking stupid questions just expecting Bob to know the answer.

_Reporter: What can you tell us about the photo on your new album? It must have a story because you're a part of that._

_Bob: I don't really know I didn't take much notice of it. The photo was just taken one day when I was sitting on the steps. I haven't really thought about it._

_Reporter: I've thought about it a great deal._

Bob didn't really talk about me in interviews but he always talked about me when people asked questions about me, he never held back and people years from then would say that I was the only thing he'd talk about honestly and without a joke weaved into it.

During that interview someone asked Bob what I thought about 'today's music' and he couldn't stop smiling.

"Well uh she, she loves my music-" laughter filled the room and Bob looked over to me and smiled. "She of course loves The Beatles and she's quite fond of The Rolling Stones."

"Who in The Rolling Stones does she like!?" one reporter asked in a loud voice wanting to get a question in.

"Mick Jagger, she hates the Guitar player."

Shots were fired that day. That day was the start of the 'feud' between me and Keith Richards, I often laughed about it with Bob but I was dead serious about it after only a month after Bob said that, Keith was in an interview and he stated the only reason he didn't want to see The Beatles was because I might be there.

The first stuff was kid stuff, silly insults but after a while nether one of us stopped the insults and it escalated quicker than we thought it would but we rolled with it because God, we hated each other.


	12. Chapter 12

_1966_

_Dear El,_

_We have finished recording our new record 'Rubber Soul'. I know how you love more mature music (like your dear husbands) so I'm sure you'll love this new record. Paul says it's a big step forward and George and Ringo are excited about it, I think it'll be in the fucking record books, go down in history an all that jazz. _

_Only a few more days until this year is over and missing you is a big problem, tell Maria and Brian that uncle John says hi and tell Bob hello for me too._

_I will write soon (as will everyone else). Merry Christmas Eleanor._

_Love_

_John xxxxxxxxxx_

* * *

In 1966 I accompanied Bob on his tour, that tour really brought him down-he was tired all the time and living off drugs. That's when the fighting started. I argued that he was using too much too fast and he wasn't going to be around with his kids at all and Bob argued that I wasn't helping him enough. It had taken almost four years of marriage for the real fighting to start.

Even though we fought I still stuck by him not because I read somewhere that he was really depressed on his 1966 tour, no-I stuck by him because he was my husband, father of my kids and I loved him.

* * *

_Dearest Ellie,_

_Keith is not over all those comments you've made and I'm sure you're not over all the things he's said. This whole thing has escalated quite quickly hasn't it? It's very funny on an outside perspective._

_I better not tell Keith I'm writing to you or he'll think I'm taking sides._

_This is a quick letter just to tell you we are doing well despite Keith's moodiness and I hope you are doing wonderful xx_

_Love, Mick Jagger xxx_

* * *

Please don't think that 1966 was full of me and Bob fighting, there were many happy, wonderful, fun moments we had and it will be hard to write them all down. Please don't think just because we fought meant that we weren't a happy family.

* * *

_Dear Eleanor,_

_Julian is doing wonderful and I hope your beautiful kids are doing just as well. _

_John has told me that you are doing wonderful and are extremely happy and I believe that you are because you and Bob are made for each other, have I ever told you that before? Well you are._

_John, Julian and I are doing amazingly; we all miss you very much. Some years have passed since 1964 and missed you and I talking every day, still I am happy if you are happy which I'm sure you are._

_Julian is already three years old can you believe it? He's so beautiful Eleanor it's amazing. John can't be home a lot but he wishes he was, Oh Ellie he writes to me in tears because he can't be with his son, it breaks my heart. I know he does all he can but I miss him still._

_I hope you are wonderful and please send my love to Maria, Brian and Bob._

_Love and peace, _

_Cynthia Lennon._

* * *

Bob loved his kids, our kids, he did everything he could for them and even when we were fighting he still did his best to take care of them before and after every show.

Bob and I were in love even though we fought. We didn't stop being in love but it made it harder, but we didn't give up and I'm proud to say we did all we could for each other at the time.

In February Bob found my cuts for the first time, I'm also proud of myself for being able to hide them for so long, we stopped whatever we were fighting about and we just laid down on the couch in his hotel room hugging each other and we didn't cry, God no, but we had each other and we were happy and we fought for each other and we were happy.

* * *

_Dear Eleanor, _

_I've found a new instrument to use my time on while Lennon/McCartney writes their hits; I've found someone to teach me to play the sitar, it's brilliant it really is. I'm a natural I'd say and I think even Paul is jealous which is always funny; you know that look he gets when he's jealous. Such a good guy but easily jealous that boy._

_Well anyway, how are you? How are Maria and Brian? And Bob? _

_Paul misses your kids, says they're the only ones that like him (think he only misses you though). I miss you and I really want to show you this new instrument of mine, I'm sure you'll like it even though you find instruments annoying._

_I miss you and your smile and everyone else does too, ah once there was a time when you were with us all the time, as Paul's song goes 'Yesterday seems so far away', yesterday being 1964. _

_Come and visit soon! _

_Love from _

_George Harrison xxxx_

* * *

Everything was so fast and busy in 1966 that I didn't even have a chance to miss John, Paul, George, Ringo and Brian but I did think about them. I didn't miss them at that moment because missing them would consist of wanting to go back to them and I didn't, I wanted to stay with Bob and my children and I wanted more than anything to be happy with them. And I was. I really was.

* * *

_Dear Ellie,_

_I MISS YOU. _

_I'm happy that you are happy with Bob and your kids but the one side effect of you being happy is me missing you._

_This is a short letter because we are quite busy but I'd like to say again that I miss you and love you._

_Jane sends her love by the way._

_Love forever and always,_

_Paul McCartney xxxxxxxxxx_

* * *

March quickly came around and I knew that was the year John would make the 'bigger than Jesus' comment but it would only cause a problem five months later.

In that month I turned 23. Bob and I celebrated with our kids and the day was a happy one. I complained about getting old and Bob put on records and we danced around the room. Maria would tell me years later that she had no idea what we were doing but we looked happy, when she told me that I just laughed and said we were.

* * *

_Dear El,_

_First of all HAPPY BIRTHDAY, 23-my you are getting older and we can't even see it._

_El I think something bad as happened, John is certin he's fucked the group up, he said something a bit dumb and he thinks it'll ruin everything; George is trying to convince him it will be fine and Paul is worrying about him somethin' fierce. John didn't even mean anything by it and now he's just blaming himself for something that hasn't even happened._

_Have a wonderful 1966 luv and don't waste your time worrying about us too much, I only told you that about John because I know how much you two care about each other._

_Love and good wishes,_

_Ringo Starr xx_

* * *

Bob and I weren't really falling apart drastically but it was there, cracks could be seen. He was using drugs and I was trying to look after our twins, I expected him to be a father and he expected me to help him every step of the way and it was hard.

But what really broke my heart was when in July on the 29th he, Bob Dylan, the love of my life at the time, crashed his motorcycle, he was near our home and he just crashed and was thrown to the ground. He was late and I was worried and a bit paranoid and then I remembered. I quickly left my kids with a friend who was visiting and ran. I had read that he hadn't crashed too far from his home and after about an hour of running I found him just lying on the ground. Oh God the tears I cried when I found him, I hit him gently on the shoulder and just screamed at him because he was such an idiot and I was so in love with him. He laughed and said I looked just like when we first met and I cried harder. I followed Bob's wishes and I didn't call an ambulance, I called a friend and they picked us up and I couldn't stop crying because he couldn't stop being in pain and then when we were home I called a private doctor and I was just so happy that he was going to be ok.

Bob was happy, just like I'd read years before, because he knew he could fall back, he could get out of the 'rat race' and stay out of the public eye.

"You fucking idiot I thought you were gonna die you arsehole." I sobbed out, in the back of my mind I always knew he was going to be ok because it was already a part of history, I'd read about the accident but it wasn't facts anymore, it wasn't some singer, he was my husband and I thought the worst.

"Sorry." He wheezed out with a smile. "Too fast, wasn't thinking enough."

"You never are." I forced out a laugh.

"Major character flaw of mine."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

* * *

_Dear Ellie,_

_Oh Ellie, My Ellie, Our Ellie. I fucked up, I fucked up bigger than I've ever fucked up before and I've ruined it for everyone. For Paul, for George, for Ringo, for Brian. For everyone. _

_BIGGER THAN JESUS. WHAT I WAS I FUCKING THINKING? I didn't mean it but I said it and I've fucked everything up. Ringo and George trusted me and Paul's dream has always been to be famous and Brian got us so far and I've fucked it all up and now I'm bothering you and your happy life with my toxic problems._

_I'VE FUCKED UP ELLIE AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. What did you do when you felt like this? When you felt so broken and alone, what did you do? I lack every form of strength and I'm confused._

_I fucked up everyone and the world hates The Beatles, The Beatles shouldn't be hated-I should._

_From,_

_John._

* * *

_Dear John,_

_Nothing is your fault; you have a big mouth that not even you can control._

_Nothing that has happened is your fault._

_Nothing._

_It's their (the world) fault that they hang on your every word, you are only human and what you said was the truth. Music means more to people than faith John, you said it and you can't un-say it but don't drag yourself down. The truth is the truth and you've put it out there and that's strength in its own way._

_You are strong and beautiful and the world is ugly._

_Love,_

_Ellie_


	13. Chapter 13

_To my dearly loved and valued Eleanor,_

_I know I haven't written to you in a long time and I apologise, there aren't enough words in the English langue that could show you how sorry I am. _

_I'm sorry for all the things I have to you and I wish I could see you now and tell you in person but I can't, London is busy-I am busy….but when did I start to be too busy for you?_

_The Beatles have stopped touring but I'm sure they've already written to you about that, or called you or saw when we were in New York last for their last tour. I should have called you but I didn't and once again I'm sorry._

_How is Bob? And how are Maria and Brian? I can't believe you named me their Godfather and I can't believe you named your son after me, I think I may cried when you wrote that to me._

_Please consider this letter as a late birthday present, (very late-this is August and your birthday is in March). So you're 24. You're so grown up and I didn't even get to see you grow up, is this what it feels like for a parent to miss their children? If there ever comes a time when you have to see your children off or if you can't see them for whatever reason then please remember that I know that feeling, when I miss you it's like I'm missing my own child. You're the closest thing I've got to a child and I've missed it all. _

_You were only what? 17 when you first appeared out of nowhere (you still haven't told me how you ended up on the side of the road but I'll let it slid for now), now you're 24. Time goes by fast and I've hardly noticed till now. I should have called you more, wrote to you more, visited you more but I didn't but from now on I promise I will, I'll be there and I'll try harder to be a good person. I'm 32 I'm too old to be making work more important than family. I know I haven't always approved of that marriage of yours but I'll get over it because you are clearly happy with Bob and you have two kids and I can't believe you're a mother. Imagine that: Immature, flirty Ellie-a mother. You've done well so far, those kids are lucky._

_John, Paul, George and Ringo are currently in Bangor with the Indian guru, Maharishi Mahesh Yogi. I've promised to go there too after the August Bank Holiday. I will come and visit you in a few months and maybe we can spend Christmas together, just like before? _

_I love you and I miss you xxx_

_Brian Epstein_

* * *

That Letter…even now it breaks my fucking heart. I wrote back a reply but he never got it, never fucking read it, it was too late, too fucking late.

Brian Samuel Epstein died on the 27th of August, 1967.

I got the call about his death on the 28th. I didn't think he was going to die, he-listen, about 6 months before his last letter to me he wrote to me saying he had given up drugs and fuck, I believed him because you believe the people you loved. I thought he was going to be ok, I thought that part was going to change.

I didn't save him.

I remember as soon as I was told I hung up the phone and stared crying. I had Brian (my son) with me and I couldn't even look at him. Bob came running into the room and just hugged me and I just kept sobbing about how I couldn't save him.

Bob and I travelled back to Liverpool with Maria and Brian to attend his funeral. I didn't make a speech; I couldn't even talk at all. I just cried and Bob just held me and I remember just wanting Brian to hug me and I wanted John, Paul, George and Ringo and I wanted Bob to never leave and I thought back to every moment in Liverpool, every tiny thing I could have changed. I could have told Brian not to go see The Beatles play in The Cavern and none of that would have happened. I blamed myself for years and I just wanted Brian back.

A few weeks after Brian's funeral Bob and I and Maria and Brian all went to London for the memorial service for Brian at the New London Synagogue in St John's Wood. I saw all four of The Beatles there and George just hugged me. John, Paul and Ringo smiled and greeted us but George just wrapped his arms around me and didn't let go. He didn't say anything, he just hugged me.

Bob, me, Maria Brian, John, Paul, George and Ringo all sat together and none of us said anything. We all stared straight ahead, each of us blaming ourselves for some reason or another and hated that they did that because it was my fault. Now, I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that it wasn't my fault but I don't think I'll ever shake the feeling that I could have done something to save him.

"He's bloody gone." Paul breathed out heavily.

The five of us all just stared at the ground and tried our hardest not to start sobbing.

It was only the five of us. John, Paul, George, Ringo and I. Bob had taken Maria and Brian out to eat as he thought it'd be better if it was only me with The Beatles.

"Arsehole." I muttered as I felt myself crying again.

Ringo wrapped his arm around me and we all just stood there in Abbey Roads studio just thinking. Soon we all started hugging each other like a family should. Ringo hugged me and George wrapped his arms around us, finally John pulled Paul into his arms and they walked over to us and we all just stood there trying not to cry but failing terribly.

It all seemed to be going so well up until that point.

The Beatles had come out with their Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, "the most famous cover of any music album, and one of the most imitated images in the world." And I was so happy once I heard it, i was so shocked and flattered when they included me on the cover next to John's late friend Stu Sutcliffe.

I'd gotten close to Bob again after a full year of fighting and I'd finally become a good mother.

I'd become friends with Mick Jagger and Charlie Watts and I'd become even better friends with Cynthia.

Paul had met Linda, the love of his life.

Then it all went downhill.

Brian died and my whole world crashed, my whole life fell to pieces around me. That was the beginning of the end and we all knew it, not just me.

I couldn't stop crying for days.

I remember I had visited Cynthia and John at their home in London before leaving with Bob and I saw how broken their marriage was and I was so sad because Julian looked so confused when Cynthia couldn't even look John in the eye and John looked so bitter and I just felt useless.

"We're getting a divorce you know." John said once Cynthia had left the room to make lunch for Julian.

"What?" I asked because it had happened faster than I remembered.

"Well…..we will. We're not happy anymore Ellie and we're trying to work things out but it's not getting anywhere." John couldn't even look at me and I remember being so angry that he didn't even sound like he cared.

John got up and sat next to me and just looked at me and I was so confused in my haze of grief and depression that I honestly didn't know how to react when John held my head and kissed me. I was so confused until he kissed harder then I pushed him away and slapped him, the slap probably wasn't even hard but he sat back and just continued to look at me.

"Hey-"Cynthia walked into the room and I got up.

"I have to go." I announced quickly.

I kissed Julian's head and hugged Cynthia tightly before walking out of the house; as soon as I was out I broke into a run towards where Bob and I were staying.

I was confused and guilty because why did he kiss me? Where was Yoko? Why wasn't John having his hot love affair with her? It was 1967 and hadn't even met Yoko, but I didn't want to believe that because I wasn't going to be the reason John broke up his marriage with Cynthia, I wasn't going to be the reason he stopped being a father to Julian. I didn't want anything to be my fault and now that I look back I think that maybe it wasn't, maybe there really wasn't anything I could do.

"Are you ok?" Bob asked me on the plane back to New York.

"Just hold me, ok?"

* * *

Everything changed after that.

John and I didn't talk at all for another year or so.

Paul and I clung to each other like mad, we just wanted someone. We wrote each other nearly every day but that soon changed as well.

George nearing the end of 1969 became so bitter and angry about the change of The Beatles, not the music but the relationship. He loved John, Paul and Ringo but he wasn't happy with them like he was before.

Ringo just wanted to keep everyone together.

In 1970 after Seven years of Marriage Bob Dylan and I split up.

John and Cynthia had been divorced since 1968.

Paul and Linda where married.

And The Beatles had just officially broken up.

* * *

_1968_

"Do you forgive me?" John asked me over the phone in a hurried nervous sort of way.

"No-maybe-fuck, I don't know John."

"Please say you do or just say you hate me; please tell me so I know." He pleaded.

"I-no I don't hate you." I whispered.

"You should." He argued.

"Did you tell Paul the same thing?" I asked because I thought I remembered reading that somewhere.

"I said that because he should."

"He won't hate you-he never will."

"How do you know? You haven't seen the way he looks at me now. You and him both should hate me. I'm so mean to him and I fucking kissed you."

"Why did you do that?"

"I like you."

"No you don't"

"Like you'd know, we haven't talked since then. Are you really that happy with Bob that you can't even talk to me?"

* * *

I was confused about so many things. Yoko wasn't 'there' and that was the first thing that concerned me because John made it a point to tell me he liked me every time we talked and i soon realised what that meant. i didn't want to be with John, not when i had two kids, not when i could of still had a chance to fix things with Bob.

i couldn't.

* * *

I tried so hard to keep them together. i kept telling John Paul didn't hate him, i kept telling George that the band needed him, i tried so hard but it was inevitable. some things were just meant to happen.

even when you don't want things to happen, even when you try you hardest to keep things from happening, when when you say no over and over again some things are meant to be and some things aren't. some things fall apart and some things take their place.

* * *

_1969_

"It's really over, you know." Ringo told me.

I had come to London for a visit and the air dense and thick and John and Paul didn't act like they used to and George couldn't even look at anyone.

"I know." I said.

"We all still love you, you know." He tried to reassure me.

"I love you Ringo." I said with a faint smile.

I could barely talk with George because apparently I had taken 'John's side' over whatever side he was one. He said I loved The Beatles too much and I was too angry to tell him I didn't like The Beatles at all, I only liked John, Paul, George and Ringo.

Paul and I were treading on thin ice. We were still close but we had to think about everything we said to each other like we were scared to say too much or too scared to say the wrong thing.

And just like I'd read, Ringo was the only one John, Paul and George were normal with.

It broke my heart to see George so sad and I was angry at how angry John and Paul were at each other because John was going to die and Paul was going to have his heart broken.

"I know." Ringo smiled

We hugged and we both knew for certain it was all over.

* * *

_It was the end of the first half of my life._

_The Beatles were the first half of my life; my life didn't start with them of course…..It started with Brian._

_There were a lot of parts that I didn't say. Like that night in 1968 when Paul visited me in New York and we cried together-that would be the last time we ever did anything like that until years and years and years after The Beatles break up._

_Or a more happy moment when George showed me his Sitar for the first time. He played it and we laughed and I tried to play it and we laughed at how stupid I looked._

_Or the time in 1964 when John, Ringo and I all tried to play cards and John and I were arguing about how we thought the other was stealing our cards but it turned out Ringo was the one cheating all along. And another time in 1964 when Ringo and I ran around the press rooms trying to get me into every photo, Brian got pissed because I was making stupid faces in all of them and when he told me off I sighed dramatically and told him it was something I had to do, I then pointed at Ringo and he took a photo of me and Brian with me making a stupid face. We laughed and started running around the hotel room._

_I remember a time when John and i snuck out of the hotel in Australia and we ended up being chased for an hour. We laughed and laughed for hours and it was so funny that we didn't even care Brian was yelling at us. _

_Or in 1962 when Paul and I pretended to be dating, it fooled the whole band for about three weeks and when they found out it was so funny and Paul and I just laughed. And I still laugh uncontrollably when i think of George and Pattie's wedding, Paul getting hopelessly drunk and me promising to look after him for George._

_In 1966 when Klaus and i met up in London and we just sat together in Abbey Road studio and just talked and i laughed so much. _

_And in 1964 when John, Paul, George, Ringo and i ran around the hotel room singing Elvis songs, they were all wearing suits and i was wearing one of John's black suits. We were like children._

_There were so many happy memories I made with Bob before our divorce like in 1965 when we just ran around the streets in New York shouting that I was pregnant, or the many times I sat in on his interviews and we both bullshitted the reporters. Or when Bob and i tried to teach the twins how to walk and when we danced around New York like kids on a sugar high just because we could._

_Or the times when Mick Jagger and I were together. Keith and I always argued and Mick was the one to break us up. I remember the time Mick saw Maria and Brian for the first time, seeing Mick hold my twins for the first time was a funny sight, Mick had this fond, content smile on his face (Keith scoffed in the background and we glared at each other). _

_or the rare fun moment in 1969 when i laughed at John and Paul singing 'Maggie May' together like nothing had changed._

_God, i had fun. Those were the best times. we all loved each other (always did, always do despite things that have been said). So many memories, i won't tell you them all but please believe me when i say that i had the best of times._

_But that was all over, now saying that doesn't mean the other half of my life wasn't good because it was you know. _


	14. Chapter 14

_8__th__ of December, 1980_

I'm sure you all know that date, fucking hard not to.

Ten years after The Beatles officially broke up, it seems like a long time doesn't it? Well it's not you know, not in the long run, not when you could have so many more years. I was 36 I think, I say I think because by this point age is a blur to me, when it happened.

Brian and Maria were 10 and Sean was 5.

* * *

In 1970, on the 21st of March to be exact, John conducted his bed-in for peace alone because Yoko was yet to show up. I saw him on the news on the 22nd and my God he looked so tired, so done and alone but he soldiered on because even without Yoko encouraging him John had a strong want for peace after The Beatles broke up.

I remembered when I first looked at him on my TV in my apartment in London I just wanted to be with him and I hadn't felt that kind of want since I flew to New York to say yes to Bob and that worried me because I'd spent the last 2 years ignoring any love John threw my way and there I was just wanting to be with him but I didn't because I loved my kids more than anything I felt for john, I remember I shut the TV off and just sat in Brian and Maria's room just watching them because they were so beautiful.

Maria had curly hair and when she was born Bob fussed about her having his messy hair, she had my eyes and Bob always thought she had my smile. When she grew up Maria started to act like both me and Bob, silly but cheeky, she was very smart but more so of a smartass.

Brian looked exactly like my uncle. He was very handsome when he grew up, he always had my eyes but he definitely had Bob's smile. He wasn't at all like Bob, he was exactly like me and when Brian grew up Paul would always comment on it…..he still does.

Bob didn't visit much, he said it was because he couldn't face me and when he told me that I slapped him because our kids weren't about me, his kids weren't about me. When Bob did visit it was awkward because we still loved each other (maybe not in the same way as we used to) but we just didn't like each other.

On the 3rd of April John came to visit me in London and I called him an idiot and he just shrugged and told me to give peace a chance I remember just wanting to punch him because that was so not cool. I watched him play with my kids and I hated him and I asked him why he wasn't with Julian and instead of answering me John just turned around and told me he loved me and then I kicked him out of my house because Fuck him.

That year I tried to talk to Paul but we couldn't, we weren't attached to each other like we were and we reminded each other too much of the past and even though that didn't bother me, it bothered Paul. I visited him once in 1971 and we spent most of the time not talking at all, Linda took a photo of us and it just had me leaning forward as Paul laughed about something and that photo reminded me so much of 1964 it hurt.

I couldn't talk to George because we only fought.

Ringo and I stayed close my entire life. He was my person, he and I didn't cling together like Paul and I did in 1968 but we were still close. Both he and I didn't want to let go of the past and it helped us being together…maybe it didn't help us but it made us feel better.

You know I wasn't sad after the break up, I missed the four Liverpool boys and fucking God I missed Brian everyday but I wasn't sad I was just…down. I was down because I couldn't save them. I tried to get Paul to talk to John but he wouldn't, he said John wouldn't want to talk to him and when I eventually told John to call Paul he said the same thing. Then it dawned on me, they truly didn't hate each other, they were just too stubborn and oh my God that made me so pissed off.

On the 11th of December, 1970 I heard 'God' for the first time, John Lennon's song that broke my heart when I was a 17 year old in 2014 but that time when I heard it I cried because it was over and do you know what that fucker did? He said the only think he believed in was 'Ellie and me' and I fucking hated him for that because Jesus Christ he never gave up. Cynthia called me up when she first heard the song in confusion and I had no idea what to say. Paul always said he sighed when he heard that bit because he always knew and if he did always know then I wished he would have told me.

(That whole year confused me because I thought Yoko changed a lot more than she did. The Beatles still broke up without her and John still did the bed-in for peace and he still released his solo album and he still spent all that time 'hating' Paul and maybe she didn't change anything, maybe those things were just meant to happen. I'm still confused about the whole thing.)

On the 12th of March, 1972 John Lennon asked me to go out with him and it all seemed quite childish if you ask me. It was over the phone you see and you know I tried so hard to say no, I swore at him and called him a cunt and I said he was selfish but somehow he ended up at my house three days later to be fair it wasn't really a date we just sat in the living room playing with Maria and Brian I hated him for not doing that with Julian but at the same time I couldn't help but smile at him and I felt happy and sick all at once.

"I love you so fucking much Eleanor." John told me that night.

"John-" I tried to say before his eyes interrupted me. That look made me stop talking and just stare at him.

"I love you and being without you would be like being without me heart and i know how cliché that sounds but it's true. I'll shout it to the world, I'll write you a million songs, I'll write you a million letters. I love you darling, my darling Ellie, I love you." John stared at me and we stared at each other for what seemed like hours, years, I felt like I had been staring at him all my life. His face, his eyes that shone with love seemed so familiar, I felt like i wanted to stare at him for the rest of my life. It was one of those moments, you know? When you can feel yourself falling in love. One of those moments you only ever feel once or twice in your whole life.

* * *

_I had a life with John…well almost 9 years and my God it was hard, fuck we were terrible to each other sometimes, we both knew so much about each other and we knew how to hurt each other when we were fighting but we were different or at least I like to think we were. We fought at times but we didn't stop loving each other and even now I laugh at that because we fought more than Bob and I fought and we managed to stay together for almost 9 years (I also like to think we would have stayed together for longer than that). He told me he loved me nearly everyday and i still believe he did, with all his heart just as i loved him with all mine. There has been only two men I've ever fallen in love with. _

"I love you." John said looking into my eyes, i felt like he could see my soul and i didn't mind. If it was John seeing my deepest darkest secrets then i didn't care, i wanted John to know me and i wanted to know him just as much.

"I love you too." I said back with a large smile. John's mouth widened and he looked so happy. He kissed my head.

"Will you marry me?" He asked.

"You're too crazy for me." I replied with a strong fake American accent.

John laughed and he looked into my eyes and the 'i love you's' went unsaid between the two of us but we knew. We always knew.

_I gave birth to Sean Murphy Lennon on October 9__th__, 1975 and my God did John love him. Despite Cynthia's dislike for John and I at that time when I asked Cynthia if it was alright for John to take Julian to see Sean she said ok because we both knew Julian just wanted John to be his father. _

"Jesus Ellie, He's so beautiful." John said in an awed kind of way as i let him hold Sean.

"He's beautiful and he's my son." John sounded shocked.

"You're beautiful." I said with a tired smile.

"We're a family. John said, he was looking at me with his beautiful eyes and I still remember the tears of happiness that filled them. "God Eleanor we're a family. You, me and baby Sean...We'll be a family forever. Just us. You're all i need. I promise, i swear to God I'll be the best father there is." I fell in love all over again with the determination in John's eyes that day.

"I know you will." I said because he was. "We're a family." I repeated John's words back to him and i watched as his eyes lit up and his mouth formed into a smile that could light up the world.

_We talked about our life together. After Sean was born John and i talked about what our life was going to be life. We made plans and we were so in love it seemed like all of them were going to come true._

"We're gonna buy a home somehow when we retire." I said. I grinned at John as Elton laughed happily at the idea.

"She's right you know." John said. "We're gonna buy a home in Liverpool and live there-together-till we die. Sean can come visit us with his family and we'll be there sittin' drinkin' tea." John laughed and we locked eyes. We both smiled. That was our perfect life, that's what we wanted.

"We'll have to buy a lot of cats." I added.

"The old crazy in love couple with the cats livin' in that old house on the hill...I like the sound of that." John smiled happily.

That was no joke. That's the life we wanted. That was our new dream really.

_Julian didn't like me. He thought I stole John away from him and I knew that's what he thought and that was why I tried so hard to get John to spend time with Julian and he did….it took some time for John to get comfortable around Julian again but he did, of course though Julian was still left sad about the years John wasn't there and he was still sad about how John took a break from Music for Sean but not him but at least John was there. I'm happy about that. When I see Julian now I know he's happier than he would have been._

_In 1976 John was still feuding with Paul because they were brothers and they were going through their rough patch. Even though John claimed to dislike Paul's silly loves songs and insulted him whenever someone else insulted Paul John would lose it, because that's the thing with family. In 1976 when Paul's 'Silly Love Songs' came out it was on the radio one afternoon and I was singing it because it was one of my favourite songs, John came in and he just smiled fondly (probably thinking of Paul I guessed) and then he started to mime the lyrics and we ended up jumping around the living room like children singing Paul's song. Paul nearly cried in shock when I told him that story._

_Ringo visited us from time to time and in 1978 George visited us and I felt like things were going right for the first time forever (because quoting Frozen is always cool). In 1979 Paul and Linda visited for the last time. Linda and I were walking around the garden while Paul and John were inside, John told me a few weeks later that he and Paul talked about everything, God John was so happy, he was like a giddy kids (we both were).After John finished gushing he looked at me and said 'maybe it's alright after all'. (The last words John ever said to Paul were 'Think about me every now and then, old friend' and I knew that because I'd read it in a book when I was 15 but when Paul told me I still cried because it was so much more different than reading it in a book)._

"We talked about Hamburg, some old stories. It's like we were there again." John subtly gushed.

"Visit went well then." I grinned.

"He's still writing those sappy love songs but yeah you know how he is, that's what he's best at. They're gettin' better i have to say." John said with a fond smile.

"Linda's still taking Photo's. She got a whole collection of Paul and her kids. We'll have to visit one day, just to see 'em." I suggested.

"We must." John declared with a childish laugh. "Paul said the farm is a good get away from the fame, just being with his family." John turned to me and smiled. "Maybe that's what we should so. Buy a farm in Liverpool and be the crazy in love couple on a farm...away from fame. Just us." John crossed his arms and nodded to himself.

"Paul said he missed me." John told me. "Said he missed you too."

"I miss him." I said with a small smile.

"I miss him." John said in the same way.

"We should visit." I repeated my idea.

"Maybe next year some time...See if George and Rings want to see some farm animals all close up." John said quietly.

"That's a good idea."

John sounded like a kid coming home from school telling his mother about all the cool things his bets friend did. He was a child gushing about friends he loved and i was so happy.

John looked at me and smiled. His smile was beautiful and content and at peace and happy.

"Maybe It's alright after all." John said to me.

John kissed me and i couldn't stop smiling.

_I was in love again. It was all new and I was so happy. I was In love again, for 9 years i was with John. Fuck i was in love._

"You seem happy." Klaus laughed.

"I am." I grinned as i leaned back in my seat. "Happy-with John and Sean."

"Seems perfect." The German artist commented fondly.

"Well-" I began with a smile but i stopped when i saw John enter the room.

"I wasn't talking about you, honest." I said innocently.

"Weren't you? Well i'm offended. I talk about you all the time." John winked, he nodded at Klaus who raised his glass of wine in greeting.

"Having fun?" John asked me, leaning on my chair arm smiling at me.

"Was. But then you showed up." I smiled at John and for a moment i only saw him, I honestly forgot about Klaus as i stared at John.

"I love you too." He smiled.

John leant down and kissed me and Klaus told me only three years later that he was so happy seeing us because we looked so happy, Klaus knew us when we weren't happy and seeing us happy made him happy. We weren't perfect but we were happy and that's so much better.

And we were happy, we made each other happy. I know that i made him happy just as he made me happy.

For 9 years i was with John, i was his friend for 10 years before that and i loved him.

And i miss him.

_On the 8__th__ of December John and I walked into the Dakota building side by side, hand in hand because there was hardly a day when we weren't close like that, just before John and I reached the building a reporter ran up and asked John about his relationship with Paul and John just smiled and said he loved Paul and he'd do anything for him and that he was sure Paul would do anything for him (when I told Paul that he couldn't speak, he only looked at me and put his hands on his head and laughed softly because it was true). John laughed with me and we kissed and we sang old Elvis songs as we always did when we were waiting for things to get set up._

_God I should have saved him. I should have tried harder to stop him from leaving home and I should have tried harder to stop him from leaving the building but he ran off laughing and I felt like crying as I tried to stop him and then that was it. It was done and I just held on to John and I tried to look at where the shots came from but my eyes were glazed over and I couldn't see._

* * *

"Ms you have to let him go, we need to get him to the ambulance."

"I'm coming then!"

"Ms you can't-"

"DON'T YOU FUCKING TELL ME I CAN'T! MY BOYFRIEND IS DYING AND I'M NOT GOING TO WATCH THE ANNOUCMENT ON THE NEWS! I'LL BE THERE WITH HIM!"

As I was screaming this they had already put John's body in the ambulance at top speed and one paramedic grabbed my hand and pulled me in with them.

He was just lying there and there was blood everywhere and I touched his face his eyes opened a bit and I cried.

"Ellie." He croaked out and I laughed in relief.

"Oh John, John please don't-"

"I've been shot."

I cried again and then I heard the radio and then I cried harder because it was that fucking song. 'All my loving' was playing on the radio and I wished I could have punched Paul in the face for singing that song because this was not the time to hear it.

"Can you turn the radio up?" I asked softly.

"Ms?"

"Can you?"

And the driver did because he heard the tone in my voice and he didn't think John was going to make it and he knew who he was and who was on the radio.

"Oh Johnny." I laughed softly and with a great deal of effort John turned his head slightly to look at me and I tried to smile.

"Do you hear it Johnny? Can you hear them singing?"

John closed his eyes and then he opened then again briefly and smiled before closing them again. He muttered my name and looked at me.

"I love you." He whispered so quietly i almost didn't hear him. I was trying to hear what the ambulance man was telling me about John's condition and i almost missed John's last words. I didn't get a chance to tell him i loved him back before he fell unconscious but he knew. He always knew.

Sitting outside that operating room was hell. I was sitting on a chair and I had my arms folded across my head and my head was lying on my knees and I was just sobbing. I had told the news teams to not show John's death if Sean was watching it with his babysitter or Brian and Maria were watching it with Bob (they were going to spend Christmas with him that year).

It was quiet until I heard a flash of a camera and then an angry shout of 'Piss the fuck off you fucking cunt' and then silence again, I looked up and saw Keith Richards walking towards me (I was confused for a second before I remembered i read in a book in 2013 that he was only a few streets away from where John was shot). I didn't speak, Keith sat next to me and I remember him asking if he should get Sean and I remember nodding and I remember him getting my keys and then awkwardly telling me John would be fine and I remember saying that he would die and then he left and the next time I lifted my head Sean was looking at me with his big eyes and he looked so sad and he just said:

"Daddy's in there, isn't he mummy?"

And I nodded and we both cried and Keith sat back down and held my shoulder.

That incident with Keith has been talked about for a long time because 'why would Keith Richards help Eleanor Murphy like that when they had hated each other since 1962?' no one's ever said the right answer even though it's stupidly simple: Death changes things, even if it's just for a day it still changes things.

Getting told John was dead wasn't a surprise but I still broke down crying. Sean hugged my arm and he was trying his hardest to fight back tears because he was the same as John, be strong even when it's hard.

I walked out of the Hospital holding Sean with Keith by my side holding my arm and yelling at people who tried to ask questions and Keith and I didn't talk and he still bitches about how much of a hassle getting me home was and even when I thanked him Keith just scoffed.

I guess some things don't change.

* * *

**i hope this chapter is good, the next one will be up in a few days maybe (that or a few weeks) Xx**


	15. Chapter 15

_8__th__ of December, 1980_

"Are you ok?" Keith asked me once I put Sean to bed.

"Did you really just ask me that?" I said and I didn't care if I sounded like a bitch (according to Keith a few weeks later I sounded like a massive one). "The man I love is dead and you ask me if I'm ok?" I clenched my hands painfully out of frustration and I was trying not to cry.

"The man you love?" Keith's stepped closer with a defensive sneer set in place. "What about Bob-"

"Don't you fucking dare so another word, don't you fucking dare turn this whole thing into me be being selfish, me being cold-hearted, and me being a bitch. JOHN IS DEAD SO DON'T YOU DARE MAKE THIS ABOUT ME!"

Keith just stared at me and I was crying and he was so confused and I was just broken and I felt like punching him but I ended up just sitting on the couch and then after about 5 minutes of Keith just standing there he eventually sat down next to me and I was crying and he was staring straight ahead because he couldn't believe a man like John was dead and I just wanted him to be alive again (still do) because we would have been great. I know we would have.

Keith left early the next morning and I sat on my bed biting my fingers just thinking. I can't believe I thought it might have been different; I tried to ignore the inevitable because we were so happy and I thought if we were happy then that would be enough. I thought us being in love would change things and i couldn't find or think that anything good could ever come out of that moment, i thought i'd never be happy again.

* * *

Two days later the doorbell rang and I thought it was more reporters but then I saw Ringo and Barbara made their way through the crowds of people and I kept my head down when I let them in.

"I know how you feel." Ringo said as we were sitting down having tea and my head snapped up and I instantly said.

"No you don't." Because he didn't, I remember I was a bit confused when I heard read that Yoko said that but as soon as Ringo said that I understood. I wasn't saying I loved John more than Ringo but I loved him in a different way. I loved him so much more differently than Ringo loved him and Ringo had no idea.

"I know." Ringo said after a moment of silence.

Barbara looked at us and she had tears in her eyes as Ringo and I sat in silence just staring at our cups.

"Fuck this." Ringo muttered and I nodded alone with him.

I didn't say another word and Ringo offered to stay over and I still didn't say another word but he stayed anyway because that was Ringo, he understood silence.

* * *

On the 2nd day after John's death there were still people singing his songs outside the house and I wanted more than anything to tell them to piss off but I didn't because they loved him too. Brian and Maria where still with Bob because he offered to take them for a few weeks so I could get things sorted, he said I couldn't handle 3 kids and I felt like he said I was incompetent but it was true.

Once again the doorbell rang and Ringo answered it with caution and I walked down and I saw Paul standing there with Linda and his kids and there was George with Olivia and Dhani and I was so angry at them because what did they think this was? Some sort of reunion? Did they think I needed them just because I didn't have John? Did they really think I was that fragile? For a moment i just wanted to walk away because none of that was supposed to happen, Ringo was supposed to be gone by now and Paul and George weren't supposed to be there but they were and it was us again but it was missing John so it wasn't really us at all.

Paul looked so sad and broken and alone and guilty (probably about the 'it's a drag' comment he made but I wasn't pissed because I could see how sad he was, I watched that clip when I was 13 and I could see how sad his eyes were). George looked just as broken and he looked like the same boy I had met in the 1960's standing next to his older friend and I twisted my face and I muttered swears at them until I was walking up to Paul and I called him an idiot before I hugged him tightly and then George closed his eyes tightly and put his hand on my head and Ringo stood back like an older, mature parent looking over us.

_Dhani, years later, commented on that scene: "I saw Ellie and it's the first memory I have of her actually and she's walking towards my dad and she looked so beautiful and I had no idea who she was, I think I heard my dad talking about her when i was younger but I'd never seen her face, she walked up to my dad and Paul and she hugged Paul and then my dad hugged them and he looked so sad and it was the first time I'd seen him anything but strong you know, it was weird."_

A few hours later Paul, George, Ringo and I were sitting on my and John's bed and it was the first time we'd all been together since 1969 but I didn't feel happy at all as you can guess.

"He's gone." George said.

"Yeah." Ringo said like he didn't believe it, none of us did.

"I hate this." Paul said and we all nodded.

"You won't do anything dangerous will you?" Paul asked me.

"No." I said and I meant it because I didn't want to be remembered by that, I wanted to be strong for both me and John. I wanted to live for him if that was possible.

"Good." George nodded.

"I like this." Ringo said and we all knew what he meant.

"It's missing John though." George said a little childishly and we all nodded.

It was a good kind of silence in the worst kind of situation.

"I loved him so much." I sobbed out, I hiccupped and i could barely talk or see but i wanted them to know. They had to know because i loved him so fucking much and my heart hurt and it was breaking and i was breaking and i didn't know what i was going to do without John because i loved him so much.

"I know." I didn't know who said it, i only barely heard it over my crying but it made me feel better all the same.

"And he loved you."

* * *

**Sorry this chapter is so short, the next one will be longer Xx **

**Is this chapter good? please tell me what you think about my story so far Xx **


	16. Chapter 16

_Was it a bit of a twist that I was with John? I hope so because it was a giant surprise to me, I didn't want to believe it and all those times John asked me out or told me he loved me or wrote songs about me I refused to say anything because I didn't want to go down in history as the woman who stole John away from Cynthia, I didn't want that for me but after some time, after all the heartbreak I had after Bob and I broke up and The Beatles broke up I finally decided to just not care about the future. I wasted so long stressing over the future and getting depressed over all the things that were going to happen and change and then I finally let it go, John helped me let it go. _

_For the love of God please don't think that just because I loved (LOVE still, always) John that means I didn't love Bob because I did you know, the first man I ever loved of course I bloody loved him, for seven years I loved him more than anyone else in the world and he loved me and we were happy and then we weren't (It sounds simple when written down but when you're living It it's like hell). He still talks about how I was his first love; I smile every time he says it, he doesn't say it often because it's the past and some things are just the past but he does say it because we were so in love, our love was fast, passionate, fun, mature and naïve at the same time and so, so, so loving. We were a bit like Jane and Paul, the perfect couple always in the media but at first it didn't bother us because we were so in love that we didn't care because we only paid attention to each other but when we had Brian and Maria we hated the press sticking their noses in our kids business, we were protective parents (childish but protective). I really did love him…Fuck now I'm all lost in thought and fond memories, damn this was supposed to be serious not all lovey but I like getting fond of Bob, seven years of being In love won't ever go away even though I loved John. _

"Bob loved to bullshit reporters, he tried to put a joke or a smartass comment in when he could in interviews but when anyone asked him about Ellie he's get this huge smile on his face and he'd tell you what she did that day like it was the best thing in history….which I guess it was in his mind."-George Harrison, 1989.

"Eppy hated him, always did I think but he told me he'd put up with Bobby just because El loved him so much."-Paul McCartney, 2013.

"She's only ever loved me and him."-John Lennon, 1980.

"You'd see the way they looked at each other and it was special, very perfect. For such a long time they were just perfect, they were perfect parents and it really shows now."-Ringo Starr, 2006.

"Eleanor would be in the recording studio from time to time, maybe once or twice a year or something of the sort and she'd sit with me while The Beatles were recording and all she would do was talk about Bob Dylan."-George Martin, 2010.

"I wrote that song about her 'Make you feel my love' in 1967, I didn't want to release it or anything because it was my song for her, our song and I didn't want anyone else to hear it but her. I gave the song to Billy Joel to sing it on his album in 1997 because I didn't feel like singing it, I didn't want to do that just as much as I didn't want anyone else to hear it in 1967 but I guess I just saw, in my mind, Ellie telling me to pick my balls off the ground and stop crying so I released the song myself. It was about her and my love for her because I loved her. Yeah, of course I bloody loved her."-Bob Dylan, 1998.

* * *

_I loved John too there's no doubt, it's been years since he's died and I don't know if I'll ever really stop loving him, he's just one of those people you can't stop loving. We were friends for 9 years before we started dating so he wasn't just my romantic partner-he was one of my closest friends and he was just my person….yeah, my person I like that, that sounds about right. I was in love with him. It was instant and fast and i was so in love. He loved me and i loved him and we would have been together till death if the world wasn't so evil._

"He didn't fancy her at first, she was Brian's assistant and I don't think he took much notice of her unless he was asking if she and Brian were a thing-even after he found out Brian was gay John always made it a habit to ask-but I think once they went out drinking together he loosened up, it took a lot to get John to really think you were cool and after seeing El drink like she did and swear and smoke like she did he thought she was pretty gear."-Ringo Starr, 1990.

"He was whipped by 1969."-George Harrison, 1990.

"She loved him you know, I asked her in 1976 is she knew what she was going to get into, if she knew what she wanted and if she even loved John and she laughed at me and I said she knew-she had that smile on her face like she knew something I didn't-she was smart our Ellie, she knew John like no one had ever known him and he knew her like no one else and they knew things, they say things differently. They were happy you know, just happy and in love and young and so happy."-Paul McCartney, 2011.

"John liked her. He fancied her a bit, always i think. He'd get jealous when I used to hang out with Els alone because he knew i found her very pretty and Els would always ask about him. They were like teenagers in high school. They were so in love. It was intense and so much love went into their relationship. The fights were deadly but the love could heal all their wounds."-Klaus Voormann, 1987.

"I always saw them as the perfect parents. They kissed a lot and said 'I love you' every day and they were perfect, very happy and really nice. My dad used to whisper to me not to get mum angry or she'd blow it and she wouldn't yell at him or tell him off she'd just roll her eyes like it was nothing."-Sean Murphy-Lennon, 1999.

"John didn't look at anyone the way he looked at Paul and I think the same could be said about him and Eleanor, he was different around her. It took me over three years to finally realise how in love they were."-Cynthia Powell (Lennon), 1999.

"Paul and I went to visit John and Eleanor in 1979 and while John and Paul spoke in the house Ellie and I walked around the garden. All she spoke about was Sean, Brian, Maria and John and it was good to me because the last time we spoke all she talked about was the past. Her eyes lit up when she talked about her family and I really wished I had a camera that day because she was really in love."-Linda McCartney, 1991.

"He was in love with her and she was in love with him and I really didn't want that because I wanted my family not hers, she was nice to me but as a kid I always saw her as the woman who took my dad away from my mum. I really only saw how much Eleanor loved my dad when he was gone, she was so in love with him and he was so in love with her and she was so sad."-Julian Lennon, 1998.

"They were in love."-Elton John, 2013.

"I've never seen two people more in love."-David Bowie, 1998.

"He was so in love...I couldn't hate him when he looked so happy with her. John had this look in his eyes whenever he was with Ellie, he was happier and more completed then i'd ever seen him. It was odd really, he was so happy. I was happy for Ellie too, for years she was my best friend and i was happy that she was happy."- Cynthia Powell (Lennon), 1999.

"I'd never seen her happier. holding that child with John, she was so happy. He cried, you know. When Sean was born John cried because he had a child and with Ellie, the love of his life."- Mick Jagger, 2014.

"I love her more than anything else I could think of, I'll live the rest of my life with her; she's my wife, my life, my one and only, the mother of my child. I really love her. There's only been two loves of my life: Ellie and Paul. I'm gonna grow old with Ellie, we're gonna retire and buy a home in Liverpool and live there till we die. We're gonna be in love forever, you know. She's my soul mate, the love of my life."- John Lennon, 1980.

* * *

It was one of those things, you know? After nearly 8 years I fell out of love with Bob and I fell In love with John. Who did I love more? I'm not In love with Bobby anymore, he takes a special part of my heart but John took up all my love. He was the one man I could see myself loving for the rest of my life because we were so broken and we mended each other in ways no one else could.

* * *

_It still hurts just thinking about his death but I remember the good bits and it makes it better, remembering the good bits now makes me cherish them more. _

_A year after John was killed I stopped drinking (Mick called me insane and proceeded to drink at least four beers to show off how amazing drinking was and I laughed at his hangover), I began to go out more because for a year a lived in my house just thinking, just crying, just wondering how the fuck Yoko did it and then after a year I narrowed my eyes and got up. _

_After another year I started an organisation called 'strong', just strong, it fought againts depression but it was renamed 'The Eleanor Murphy Organisation' in 1998 and I'll tell you why in a bit. I didn't want to be the girl who killed herself after the love of her life was killed, I wanted to be strong (hence the name) and good because if I killed myself imagine how pissed John would be? Imagine how many people would miss me? Imagine what kind of mother I would be if I left my three kids? I thought about those things and it kept me strong. God I was sad though, so sad for such a long time but I wanted to live. I wanted to live the life John never had a chance to._

_In 1982 i organised a memorial concert for John with the help of Paul, George and Ringo. In December at Wembley Stadium the John Lennon memorial concert was held. I was numb through most of it, just crying or laughing or standing silent. I remember something about that night that I'm very proud of; Paul was going to walk off, he was sad and crying and he didn't want to talk about John or sing a song and he wanted to leave so I slapped him in the face. I told him to stop being the bitter man who fought with John and I told him to be John Lennon's best friend and I told him that John loved him so much and we cried and we laughed when Paul said John would be laughing at us now._

_So he went out there and he sang 'Here There and Everywhere' because God John loved that song so much and he sang 'Jealous Guy'. You know John wrote that song about both me and Paul? Just thought you should know._

_George sang 'Here comes the sun' and Ringo sang 'with a little help from my friends and there were so many other people John loved who sang and I felt like John would be blushing and laughing at the amount of people there but I bet he was smiling. _

_At the end of the concert I came out and stood on this podium and it reminded me so much of a funeral that I laughed._

"_Thank you so much for coming." I said. "He'd love it, oh that bugger would love it. I-oh I won't stay long but I did just want to tell you how much this means to me and to our family….I'll remember this you know or at least I'll try to, John's up there you know and he'll remember this." I pointed to the sky and all the audience screamed and shouted and cheered and I couldn't help but smile. "He will." I reassured. _

_I looked to the sky and I didn't feel like crying in that moment, I felt strangely at peace almost and I had to laugh at that too._

"_John." I began. "only a few years ago you told me how lucky you felt you were that we were once all together, just the five of us but Fuck, it was us who were the lucky ones Johnny."_

_I can still hear the cries and cheers that filled the air, an odd mix of happiness and sadness, smiles and tears will be forever lodged in my memory._

'_Imagine' was played and I couldn't stop smiling and I leant down and hugged Brian, Maria and Sean as tightly as I could and I smiled. _

_"I love you Johnny" I said because I did, I do, I always will. _

* * *

**This might be the last chapter or second last, i haven't decided yet Xx**


	17. Chapter 17

_1996_

"He loved you, you know." Paul told me once.

"I know." I said. "I've gotten past the state of self-pity and depressed declarations of 'oh he never truly loved me'….I know he did….If I said he didn't I'd be an idiot, he told me every day."

Paul smiled at me. His smile, his lovely smile. I was glad he was smiling like he used to.

Paul and I were sitting in his home drinking tea while Linda and the kids were asleep were asleep.

"He talked about you a lot."

"I should hope so; I was his girlfriend after all." I snorted with a smile.

"No I mean before that, 1965, 1966, when you weren't with us after being there all 1964. He used to talk about you; I hadn't heard him talk about anyone like that before."

I just smiled at Paul and I think I felt like crying but I kept the tears in because if I cried then Paul would cry then it would be a mess and I didn't want it to be a mess, being with Paul like I used to was supposed to be a happy occasion.

"He just loved you so much, I'd never seen him that in love before."

"I'm glad we can be like this again." Paul piped in later, Paul always had this uncanny ability to voice my thoughts.

"I do too."

"I love him too you know." I said after a while.

"I know." Paul said back and his smile was just like before.

"How's Linda?"

I asked because even though she was sick Paul's eyes still lit up with love every time he talked about her.

* * *

_1989_

I had an arm around Sean's shoulders as Brian, Maria, Sean and I walked up to the Harrison house. Sean was 14 when we visited them and Brian and Maria were 24.

Dhani, who was only 11 at the time, opened the door and George was standing next to him and they looked so alike it was unbelievable. You know I almost forgot that I'd seen photos of them together and I forgot I already knew they looked alike, I was shocked at that.

"Hey Georgie." I greeted.

Sean hid behind me a fraction and looked at George and Dhani with calculating eyes while Brian and Maria hugged George and greeted Dhani with smiles that looked identical to mine and Bob's.

"Nice to see ya Ellie." George finally said and we smiled at each other and Dhani began to smile too and introduced himself and my God I almost laughed at how cute he was.

"Calm down Georgie, you have a wife." I said dryly and Olivia laughed.

We all eventually sat down in the couches in George's living room. I sat with Sean by my side and Bob on my other side while Maria sat by herself and the Harrison's all sat together.

It was silent with a few awkward questions until I looked around and saw a single photo on a table in the living room. It was a photo a paparazzi must have taken and it was of George who was smiling perfectly at the camera while Ringo and I had jumped in at the last minute pulling stupid faces, Paul was laughing beside George and John was helping him stand because it looked like Paul was going to fall down from laughter.

"That photo?" I asked. "Really?"

"It's a good photo." George defended slightly confused.

I rolled my eyes.

"Your kid has grown up with that image of me in his head? God George I was hoping he would think I was cool."

"You're not." George said dryly.

"Watch it ya Scouse twit."

"I like that photo; it really catches your inner soul."

"Funny?"

"Weird."

"Awesome?"

"Odd."

"Hot?"

"Strange."

"Lovable?"

"Crazy."

We stopped and stared at each other and then we burst out laughing. We laughed until Dhani and Maria were shaking their heads in embarrassment.

"It's just you El, just you." George finally said with that calming smile.

"_They were like friends in school; they reminded me of little kids."-Olivia Harrison._

* * *

_1994_

"They've grown up a bit." Ringo laughed as I showed his photos of Brian and Maria.

"Haven't they?" I gushed. "Oh and Sean is growing up so fast, God Ritchy it's so weird!"

"I saw Brian just a few months ago you know and Shit he's exactly like you."

"How?!"

"Well for starters when I called his name he almost tripped over-"

"Low blow Ringo, low blow."

"He is you know, just the way he acts reminds me of you."

"He's smarter than I was at that age. I'm happy about that, he knows Math." I breathed out a loud sigh. "My sons a nerd." I said dramatically causing Ringo to laugh.

"They've certainly grown up." I said fondly.

"So have you." Ringo observed.

"Well we'll have none of that." I said seriously and brought my child sized milkshake up to my lips and stared ahead.

Hearing Ringo laughed always made me happy.

* * *

_Everything was getting good._

_Things were different but they were good._

_George and I were closer._

_Ringo was more like my father._

_Paul and I didn't cling to each other as much but we loved each other just the same._

_It was different from what it used to be but I loved it. _

* * *

_1997_

In January, 1997 I fell unconscious in my home and Sean, who was 22 at the time and visiting me brought me to the Hospital. Although the doctors let me leave after one night stating there was no problem I knew somehow what was happening. I was dying…no, dying isn't the word, I was leaving? Maybe that's better. I came to 1960 on the 12th of March, my birthday and I just thought it seemed right that I would be leaving on the day I was born-12th of March, 1997. When Sean finally left (which was a week or so after it happened because he was worried sick and I had to force Maria and Bob not to fly over) I cried because that reason seemed so right. Leaving. I really didn't want to. I laughed sadly for a while because in 2014 I left my family and now In 1997 I was leaving them again. It didn't seem right to me at first, it didn't seem fair. If I was right I had three months left in that place and fuck I think I actually punched a wall and just screamed in frustration because Frick frack fuckity fuck the universe.

Near the middle of February i had come to terms with it (ok so not really but I wasn't punching walls anymore) so I did the only thing that seemed right, I spent February trying to say goodbye.

* * *

_20__th__ of February, 1997_

"Been nice seeing you again Mick." I smiled.

"Same to you Ellie." He grinned back. "But why the sudden visit?"

"Can't an old friend visit an old friend from time to time?"

"Are you called me old?"

"Course I fucking am."

"You show your love in strange ways miss Eleanor Murphy."

"I do love you." I said. "You're one of the people who've helped me the most after John." And that was true. Mick did all he could to visit me, he was by my side almost all of 1990, I annoyed the fuck out of me at the time but by that point I was so grateful.

"I'd anything for you." He said sincerely.

"Thank you." I smiled and fought back tears because yeah I felt like crying a lot in those years.

"Give my love to Charlie and Ron, ok? Tell them I love 'em ok?"

"Ok, I will luv, I will."

"Bye." I said and hugged Mick and he hugged me back and I'm glad he didn't say see you later or see you next time because that have made the whole thing even more sad.

I walked out of Mick's house and I saw Keith smoking near the wall.

"Still smoking? That'll kill you." I warned mockingly because I wasn't passed petty feuds, neither was Keith because he only sneered at me.

"You'll be back again I presume." Keith drawled and I stopped dead in my tracks.

"No." I said because I felt Keith didn't need a lie, he never really cared about me much. "I think this might be the last time."

"Why?"

"Why do you care?"

"Mick likes seein' ya."

"So you do have a heart?"

"Fuck off."

"I'm trying."

"Good."

I rolled my eyes and walked towards my car before I stopped and turned around.

"I think I'm dying or sort of and I came to say goodbye-not to you of course but to Mick."

Keith stared at me and nearly dropped his ciggie.

"Mick doesn't know?" He finally asked after moments of silence.

"No." I answered.

"Heartless." He commented.

"I know." I agreed.

"Why are you telling me?" He asked.

"You don't deserve the lie." I said. "And I know you're not heartless enough to tell anyone."

"So you're dying?"

"Sort of….Yeah."

"What's it like?" He asked very childishly (He wrote in his book how childish he knew he sounded and how much he regretted sounding like a child in front of me).

"Painful." I lied. "Don't you do it." I said with slight teasing in my tone. Maybe he was worth a lie after all.

"Goodbye then." He said.

"Keith, I just wanted to thank you for-"

"Goodbye Eleanor."

I stared at him and it was just Keith, Keith Richards the man I'd been arguing with for over ten years and nothing had changed, he was the only person in my life that didn't change.

"Goodbye Keith." I said and I think I saw him smile and I think I felt myself smile and then I left.

* * *

_25__th__ of February, 1997_

"God, remind me never to let you make Tea again." I coughed.

"This is the first time." David defended.

"David Bowie you're a menace to all things British."

"You're Australian."

"And yet my Bogan arse can still make better tea than you."

"Settle down."

"I'm trying Love."

"What a good way to end a visit, me nearly killing you with my tea."

"It's a plot I say, a plot."

"Settle down."

We both laughed and when I got up David rushed to get my coat and we hugged as we reached the door.

"Take care Ellie." He smiled into my hair.

"I'll try." I laughed into his neck.

"I'll see you later?"

I only hugged him tighter.

* * *

_29__th__ of February, 1997_

"God you're so boring." George whined as he and I sat in his garden.

"I thought I was too hyper active?"

"Well now you're too boring."

"I could always set something on fire?"

"Please leave your pyro obsessions in New York."

"You're so old Georgie." I said suddenly. "When did that happen?"

"I don't know." He answered honestly.

Neither of us knew where the time went.

"Are you sad?" George asked and it felt like he was 23 again, asking obvious questions and I felt like I was 23 again when I got up and sat next to him on his chair and leaned my head against his shoulder.

"Not really."

"Ok."

"Are you?"

"Not anymore, I'm good, I'm better."

"That's good."

"It's all good." George said and George had this uncanny ability to make people believe anything he said.

"I know."

George wrapped his arm around my shoulder and I felt like we were back on that plane in America in 1964.

I don't know how long we stayed like but when we woke up we both tried to get out of the seat at the same time and we both ended up falling on our faces. We laughed for ages and I'm laughing now while writing this.

* * *

_30__th__ of February, 1997_

"I saw George yesterday." I told Ringo.

"Yeah?"

"Didn't know how much I missed him and my fucking God Dhani looks exactly like him fuck I mean exactly."

"I know, it's like going back in time."

I laughed at that, I couldn't stop myself.

"It is! God, I'm freaked out now. Why don't my kids look like me?"

"Maria looks like you."

"She has my eyes and smile but not my EVERYTHING."

"You love complaining."

"Well, when in Rome well in this case England."

"How terrible of you."

"I know."

Ringo and I sat in his home for hours laughing and acting like children and when it came time to leave I knew it would be the last time I ever saw him so I hugged him like a child would hug a parent, I clung to him and forced myself not to cry.

"Are you alright?"

"I will be." I assured.

I wanted to be.

* * *

_4__th__ of March, 1997_

I hugged Linda and she kissed my forehead before Paul led me to my car. I'd spent all day with them and now it was time to leave, it was easier to do than I thought it would be.

"This is your stop." Paul smiled.

"This is my goodbye love." I mock saluted.

Paul laughed and wrapped his arms around me in a tight hug, I pressed my face into his chest and hugged him back just as tightly.

"I love you Paulie." I said.

"I love you too." He replied.

"I do." I stressed.

"I know." He reassured.

"This is goodbye." I repeated.

He kissed my cheek and I hugged him again.

"I love you." I said again. And then I left.

I think I was content or maybe I just realised that it was all over now. Paul and I were over, our physical friendship was over.

As I drove away I dared to look back into the mirror and I saw Paul waving and all I could see was this happy, broken, good man and I smiled through my tears.

* * *

_5__th__ of March, 1997_

"I love this family time." Brian gushed with the childlike enthusiasm he inherited from me.

"You would you baby." Maria teased lightly.

"That's enough you two." I scolded playfully.

"Sucks that dad can't be here." Brian commented.

"You'll see him in a few days, he's always late that Bob always has been." I sighed dramatically.

Maria laughed and Brian smiled and Sean grinned.

"Must be a trait you got from him." Sean laughed as he pointed at Brian.

"What?" Brian pouted and crossed his arms and Maria laughed louder.

I looked at my three kids and I started to cry because Ringo was right Maria was the image of me other than Bob's hair and Brian had Bob's smile and he was just like me and Sean was so much like John it hurt. They were so beautiful.

"What's wrong mum?" Maria asked with wide concerned eyes.

"I'm just really happy; you're all so grown up." I sobbed out with a laugh.

I spent five days with my kids and I felt like I was ready to leave because they were so amazing and grown up and beautiful and amazing and so, so, so good.

_12th of March, 1997_

I got home on the night on the 11th of March and I was ready to sleep and never wake up again and I heard the doorbell ring, I groaned loudly and I didn't stop groaning even when I opened the door.

"Hey Ellie." Bob greeted with a smile.

I stopped groaning and stared at him.

"It's like 11, shouldn't you be asleep?"

"Well you know me I'm never one for sleeping."

"Seems like it." I said with a smile.

"Can I come in?"

I wanted to say no because I was gonna die in about 4 hours and I didn't want Bob to deal with that, I cared about him still and so I did what you do when you care about someone-I told him the truth.

"I'm going to die." I said as casually as I could once Bob sat down.

"What?"

After 20 minutes of explaining it to Bob without letting him know I was actually from the future and I had just spent around 37 years in the past. I simply told him I knew I was sick and I felt like crying when he hugged me.

So now I'll fast forward to the end. I was lying on the couch and Bob was sitting on the floor near my head.

"So this is it?" He asked.

"I think so." I said quietly.

"This is so weird." He whispered and I think he was crying but that was ok because I was crying too. Not sobbing but tears were in my eyes.

"You don't need to tell me that."

Bob laughed at that quietly.

"When it started I didn't think it would end like this." I mumbled.

"When you met The Beatles?" Bob asked.

"Fuck no, my life didn't start when I met The Beatles you silly pleb. All this started when I met Brian." That was completely true.

"He didn't like me." Bob said.

"I know. Our marriage was something he hated."

"I thought I was going to spend my whole life with you." Bob said casually.

"I know." I said in a whisper even though I didn't.

"Do you?" He asked with a laugh. "I don't think you understand. I wanted to spend my whole life with you like you wanted to spend your whole life with John."

"I'm sorry." I said because that made me see, I broke his heart but to be far he broke mine too.

"It's alright." He said and I smiled because he meant it.

Then I laughed. I laughed and laughed. I laughed like when I first met Brian and when I met Bob and when I met Astrid. I laughed and laughed and then felt so tired.

"This place wasn't so bad." I whispered and I saw Bob turn his head to look at me then I saw black.

But I heard Paul's laugh and George's Scouse accent and I heard Ringo silly words and I heard John just talking and then I heard them all laughing and then I heard Brian yelling but there was a fondness to his tone and then I heard Taylor sigh.

I heard the loud rumbling of music and harmonicas and i heard the gentle brush of a paint-brush and the even more so gentle click of a camera.

I thought I saw the rush of colours and suites and leather and gel and hair and small-clothes and curly hair and then I heard music (all kinds of music, all the kinds that meant a lot to me). Thousands of colours and smells and sounds.

Laughing. Laughing took over all my senses. It was all I could hear for what seemed like miles.

My body felt warm and at home as I saw John smiling at me, that charming, cheeky lopsided smile and he looked young and happy and then I thought I heard the distant sound of 'I love you' before all I saw was black again.

(This time i shouted or whispered, i can't remember, a 'I love you too' back and I hold onto that till this day.)

* * *

**Next Chapter will be the last Xx **


	18. Chapter 18

"_He never really fell out of love with her, he always loved her. He moved on of course but she'll always be his first love which is the love that matters the most really."- Sara Dylan._

"_I miss her; I'm not surprised when I started crying as soon as I was told. We were so young when we met and we fought for so long and we only started getting really close again. She wasn't like a little sister or an older sister she was just family, my family. I love her and I'll miss her for as long as my alive."- George Harrison._

"_I miss her and I still love her. She was my family, one of those people I'll never stop loving. I remember when I met her so clearly and I really didn't know I'd get so close to her but I did, she was one of my best friends."- Paul McCartney._

"_I miss her more and more each day, her and John were a part of my family I'll always love them. I can't wake up in the morning without feeling something's missing."-Ringo Starr._

"_I cried like a baby when I was told, I just couldn't let myself imagine a world without her."- David Bowie._

"_I loved her so much and I felt numb, it was her birthday and she died and I was so sad and I cried so much. When I first met her I just never expected this to be the way it ended. She was so beautiful and I thought she'd live forever."- Mick Jagger._

"_It was a surprise; I didn't expect it at all. Mick was really sad that's all I know."- Keith Richards._

"_She was so beautiful and so sweet and strong and the world has lost a star this week."- Elton John._

"_She always how to make you laugh, she could annoy you and piss you off so easily but when she smiled or made a joke you'd forgive her. She was amazing."- Ronnie Wood._

"_She loved making people laugh even if she was the joke, she didn't care. People could be making fun of her but if they were smiling she could put up with it, she forced herself to put up with it. She was beautiful and fun and so broken but she could deal or well she forced herself to. She was strong but she wasn't perfect but she strived on and she fought and she left this world naturally which we are so happy for."- Charlie Watts._

"_She was my best friend for years and I hated her for years too but I'll miss her, I'm happy we were able to get back to being friends even if we weren't as close, I love her and I'm so grateful that our last conversation was a happy one."- Cynthia Powell._

"_She really did mean a lot to me, I loved her like a daughter and I knew she saw me as a mother-she needed one at times and I'm so happy I was able to be there for her when she didn't it. I really love her. There are really no words that could describe her, she was immature and strong and good and quiet and loud and every part of her was her."- Linda McCartney._

"_She's my mother; even if she's not here anymore she'll always be my mother. I love her; there are no words to describe how much I love her."- Sean Murphy-Lennon._

"_If I were to express how much I miss and love her I'd be talking for weeks so I'll only say this: I love her so much and I miss her and I'll continue to love and miss her for the rest of my life."- Maria Murphy-Dylan._

"_I'll miss her jokes and her stories and her smile, which my sisters got by the way, and her….everything. I just love her. She's so strong and I'm proud to be able to call myself her son."- Brian Murphy-Dylan._

"_I'll miss her every day. She was my first love and John Lennon's last love, I'll miss her-I don't think I'll be able to say that enough in my life. I miss Eleanor Murphy more than I can say. We all do. We all love her. We'll never stop."- Bob Dylan._

* * *

I woke up and I felt like I was about to throw up everywhere. It was pitch black until I forced my eyes to open. I gasped and I screamed and I shot out of bed and I fell right on my arse.

"Lexie are you ok?!"

At first I had no idea who the voice was and I didn't recognise the name then my eyes widened and I realised it was me. Lexie was my name and that voice.

"Mum?" I whispered.

"Are you alright?" My mum asked as she opened the door to my bedroom (I looked around the room and I barely remembered it).

"Yeah." I croaked out with a small fake smile. "I'll be fine."

"Ok." My mum said slowly. "You need to get ready for school sweetie." She finished and closed my door.

I shot up off the ground and whipped around and stared into the mirror onto of my drawers and I touched my face and I felt lost.

I looked 17.

I didn't want to.

"It wasn't a dream." I muttered to myself. It felt so real, over 30 years of real.

I quickly snatched my phone off the desk and checked the day.

12th of March, 2014.

I felt like crying (I think I might of) and I threw my phone on my bed and I kept down another scream as I felt my eyes sting.

I shook my head and slapped and pinched myself and I felt crazy. _Did I dream __all __that? _I must have I concluded as I felt tears roll down my face, it all felt so real and all the emotions felt so real.

I was lost as I got dressed and I was lost as I walked on the bus. I ignored any conversations anyone tried to start; I was too busy thinking about what I thought was a dream.

I finally managed to stumble to my first class of the day; Music.

I sat down next to Matt and Kaylor and I felt so awkward sitting there, like I didn't belong. I felt lost and confused and I hardly recognised their faces even though I knew clearly it was them. I kept my head down on the desk as the teacher introduced the topic: The Beatles.

Matt nudged my arm at the mention of the band but I kept my head down on the desk and let out a fake laugh. _When did I become so good at those?_ I though in that moment.

"Now," The teacher began. "In the next few lessons we'll be learning about The Beatles, the band that is regarded as one of the best rock and roll bands of all time."

I couldn't think. I was so confused and tired and when I finally shook my head and looked up I nearly fell off my chair in pure, raw shock.

On the projected computer screen there was a single photo, the small writing at the bottom on the photo said it was taken in 1962. The photo was old, black and white and it displayed six people all standing in front of what appeared to me an old record shop. Four of the people in the photo were young men, all wearing leather. One of the young men had a clear, soft face and his eyes were wide and so was his smile, an arm was wrapped around his thin shoulders which belonged to a younger man with a sharp face and a beautiful smile, next to him was an older looking man with round black thick glasses looking both pissed off and happy at the same time and a fourth man stood by them, a shorter man with large sad eyes and an even larger smile that seemed to light up the whole photo. Next to the four boys a strict, posh looking man stood there wearing a suit. His face was serious but you could the beginnings of a kept down smile as he was looking down slightly at a young girl who had her arms wrapped around one of his arms and beside the girl there stood the eldest man who looked incredibly serious but the hint of fondness could be found in his eyes if you looked close enough.

I remembered that photo straight away. John was pissed because Paul forced him to wear his glasses and when he put them on George teased him for listening to Paul and as Ringo and I laughed Brian was trying to get us all to calm down so Taylor could take the photo. I said that something that caused Paul to laugh and we both stuck our tongues out at John as we shuffled into position. George wanted to take a straight photo but his eyes danced with mischief, Ringo couldn't stop laughing and Paul seemed quite proud of himself for being able to piss John off that much, John was trying his hardest not to smile, I was smiling so much because I was with The Beatles and Brian and Taylor and Marty and I was happy, Brian wanted to look professional but he was too happy and proud to pull it off, George Martin was like he always was but his hard, strict persona was beginning to crack as he watched us play around like children.

I wanted to cry with happiness because I wasn't crazy, that was me, I was there but as soon as I wanted to cry in happiness I wanted to cry in sadness because it was real, all the pain was real and I felt alone.

"That's Paul McCartney, George Harrison, John Lennon, Ringo Starr, Eleanor Murphy, Brian Epstein and George Martin." The teacher said as she pointed at the people individually. My heart skipped a beat when I heard 'Eleanor Murphy' (my heart clenched painfully when she said 'John Lennon').

"Eleanor Murphy's the woman who founded that organisation to fight against depression and cutting and stuff, right?" Kaylor said as she lifted her hand up and waved it to get the teachers attention.

"Yes." The teachers answered with a smile. "She fought against depression herself most of her life and she founded the organisation a few years after the death of her boyfriend, John Lennon."

I wanted to raise my hand and tell everyone about the beginning of the 'Strong' organisation and how hard it was and how it nearly killed me and how much it meant to me but I kept my mouth shut as I forced down stinging tears.

"Eleanor Murphy was a long-time close friend of The Beatles and their manager, as well as their producer and some of the most famous performers in history. She was married to Bob Dylan, the folk singer we learnt about last week, for about seven years and two years after her divorce with him she started going out with John Lennon. She had one child with John and two children with Bob." The teacher explained and I felt so odd.

That whole life wasn't a dream, it was my life, I'd lived in that life longer than I had lived in this one and that teacher was explaining my whole fucking life to a classroom full of people that included me. It felt strange and I hated it.

"It's actually her birthday today." The teacher pointed out before she continued to talk about The Beatles. She gushed about the song Paul wrote, 'Another Girl', not knowing it was about me.

Another photo moved on the screen, one of me and John in New York in 1978. In love and young just staring at each other, not even noticing the camera. The next a photo of me and Klaus, then me and Freda, then me and Paul, me and George, me and Ringo. I had to dig my nails into the palms of my hands when the next one came on, the first photo me and Brian ever took together. We were standing outside his shop, his arm across my shoulders, my hand holding his. Both of us smiling.

I closed my eyes briefly as photo of me and John came through, we were sitting on the train in 1964, He was half lying across my lap as i wore his thick rimmed glasses and his leather cap, we were smiling like our hearts wouldn't fall in love in a mere 6 or so years. I closed my eyes and let myself feel at home as Matt dug his elbow into my side whispering about how much i looked like the girl in the photos.

* * *

I got home that day and I sat on my bed and just stared at the Beatles poster that was on my wall. The Abbey Road album. The four men walking around that road. I wasn't there but Paul wrote to me saying it was a smashing photo and I don't remember if I wrote back or not (I hope I did).

It was all real.

I couldn't get over that fact.

I got up, closed and locked my door and brought out my laptop and searched Eleanor Murphy. if I'm honest I actually stumbled over Google and I laughed at myself and I cried at how strange 'My' world seemed to me in that moment. I laughed at all the funny photos of my on Google and I cried at all the photos of me and Brian and me and John and me and Bob and me and everyone, I cried and I laughed because I was remembering and even though it was tragic all the good memories shined the brighter.

Did you know they had a memorial concert for me a few months after I 'died' (Like the one for John and the one for George) Well they did and I cried the whole way through it (laughed too because god the people I love are funny in sad events). Paul, George and Ringo sang and so did Mick, David, Elton, Eric, The Rolling Stones, INXS, Dhani, Sean, Brian, Maria, Bob, The Who and so many more but out of all the performers what surprised me the most was Keith Richards. Him being there didn't surprise me as much as his performance.

"_I have no idea why I'm here really-well I do, for Eleanor but I don't know why I'm here for Eleanor. We've probably spent around 20 years hating each other and here I am about to sing a fucking song to tribute her….I can hear you laughing you daft idiot." Keith took a sharp almost painful looking breath and tightened his grip on his Guitar. "This song…Eleanor loved it, she came to Mick's once while I was there and she literally spent an hour gushing about this song and she and Mick kept running around the fucking house singing the stupid fucking song as loud as they could…I think they knew I could hear them….Anyway, here's the fucking song."_

_Keith kept his head down as he strummed his Guitar and the gentle chords of 'Hallelujah' came out. He sang the song surprisingly well, he kept his head down until the last chorus and I swear to God I saw tears in his eyes. Behind him there was a large photo of me and I laughed at that. I was smiling, looking over my shoulder with a large smile and Keith stared at the photo behind him as he played the music out._

I cried and I laughed and I cursed Keith and I laughed again and I tried to keep my sobs quiet as I pushed my computer away and wrapped my arms around myself.

I watched the whole fucking memorial concert and I couldn't stop smiling and crying.

"_I saw her the same day I saw The Beatles for the first time. I saw them-the four lads-and just thought they were so cool, I wanted those leather jackets they had and I wanted to be famous enough to just know how to get one and once I'd stopped looking at The Beatles I finally noticed a short girl standing next to Paul and George, she was pretty, had a very Marilyn Monroe body type and when I finally met her I thought she beautiful. Her hair and her eyes and fucking Christ her smile, she looked so innocent and I fancied her even after John informed me she was married-Hey Bobby!-and then I saw her drink, oh my God could she drink, and I thought she was amazing. I love her and this whole night is for her, even though I know she'd be rolling her eyes I also know she'd be blushing bright red. I love you El!"- Mick Jagger._

"_I thought she was very beautiful, very nice and just good-My God did she have a temper and she could be mean but she was damn good. She was a good person, one of those people who cared about others happiness more than her own. When I met her…God I thought she was beautiful. She was one of my best friends and I love her so much. I wrote songs for her; we cried together, we danced around in our underwear together because our friendship was so innocent and so, so fucking strong. When I saw her after John died….George and Ringo and Ellie and I all sat in her and John's bed and we talked like we used to and I missed her so much and I just wanted to spend the rest of my life hugging her. I never wanted to lose her again. But I did. We all did. We all loved her so much, her and John…..they brought so much light to this world and now they're both gone and the world doesn't seem fair, does it? Ellie knew that better than most…God she was so sad for such a long time but she fought…And God didn't give her strength, she made her own when she didn't have any left. I love her; she's my family, the aunty to my kids, my beautiful sister, and Linda's best friend. I love you Ella."- Paul McCartney._

"_I don't know what to say…Or rather how to say it. How do you express your love for someone you love so much? How do express how much you miss them? That's something I've learnt over the past few years…..You can love someone for years, you can fight for them, fight with them but missing them is the hardest thing to do because missing them would involve agreeing with the fact that their gone and…Well that sucks. Eleanor was supposed to live till she was 80, God I wanted to see her as a grumpy old woman with grandkids. She and John were supposed to be married and live happily ever after. I know happily ever afters are a fools dream but that's what was going to happen; you could see it when they looked at each other. I miss her but I know she's not gone-not completely anyway. She left her memory with us, her life, her heart and we have to be the ones to keep those things alive. She lives in us, our hearts, our memories. Eleanor meant so much to me and this is for her. I love you Ellie."- George Harrison._

"_I love her. There's no 'loved' because I'll never stop. She was my little sister, I love her. Every time I see Maria I can't help but picture Eleanor. Her eyes and her smile. Eleanor had such a beautiful smile, I loved just staring at photos of her, and she was so beautiful. I love her, God I love her. I love her and I wish she was here and I wish I wasn't here because then I'd be at Eleanor's drinking bad tea and talking about stupid shit. I love her and I miss her. We were friends for over 20 years and the love I have for her will never fade-even slightly. She'd love this….She'd scoff and say it was a bit much but she'd love it. I don't think she ever thought people loved her this much but we do. Shout as loud as you can so El can hear how much you love her!"-Ringo Starr._

_"So beautiful and so full of light. Funny and so full of heart, Els liked to hide her love because she didn't know how to express but for all those who don't know her, all those who'll never get a chance...Let me tell you that she was just every bloody bit as warm, loving, funny, immature, good and beautiful as she seemed. I love her, she loved me. This world won't forget her. All the things she's done for those with depression, El wanted to help people who were going through what she went through and she did. She helped and people know her name and find peace and happiness in it. Just as i do."-Klaus Voormann. _

"_She was bright, cunning, sarcastic, funny, a bit ditzy but so clever and nice-She was so nice when you got to know her. She was strong and a bit unstable but amazing. Eleanor should have been like an older sister to me, I wanted her to be but I couldn't help but be protective of her. You'd think she was nothing but a happy ditzy girl but she wasn't. She was so complicated and she had so many layers to her and it's hard to explain what she was like, I can't…I wish I could because what a story that would be. I could talk for hours about her and that's truly what she deserves but I'll just say this: I love her."- David Bowie._

"_We first met when we crashed into each other in New York; we both fell on the ground. I laughed and her face went red and she glared at me but when I asked her out only…..5 minutes after I knocked her to the ground she said yes…..Well not at first but she came around, I was happy she did. I wanted to jump up and down and laugh but I wanted to be cool, I needed to be cool because she was so beautiful and funny. I think I fell in love with her in a few days; she was perfect for me I knew she was. I asked her to marry me seconds before she went on a plane back to Liverpool….I was freaking out for all the time I didn't see her, I felt stupid and worried and I just wanted her to say yes because I loved her so much. When we got married I was so in love, she was beautiful and funny and perfect and we were so happy. I was so in love, I loved her even after we divorced…..I think I may even still love her but that's not important now. Eleanor loved John and I loved her and she loved so many. She was beautiful and true and strong and good. She was a perfect mother. I miss her. I always do and I always will. Her last words 'This place wasn't so bad'…..This place was made better because of her, she brought light and hope to people and the world will never forget her, they won't forget her good, her eyes, her smile, her love. She'll live forever, in my heart and yours i'm sure."-Bob Dylan._

It was all real and I wanted John even though he was dead and I wanted George even though he was dead and I wanted Bob and Paul and Ringo and Elton and Harry David and Mick even though they didn't know who Lexie was and I wanted my kids so much, I cried for Sean, Maria and Brian and I wanted them so much and I wanted to hug them and tell them how proud of them I am because they are beautiful and amazing. I wanted my family.

Oh the hours I spent looking up pictures of my kids. The hours I thought about John and how much I love him. God I love him. So, so, so much. I haven't stopped. I won't ever.

* * *

_I didn't know how many people loved me, how much they loved me. I cried for a long time because I'd see all my loved ones on TV and I'd see my Kids and I'd think of John and George. I love them so much. _

_I won't stop loving them. You know it took me years to move on? Anytime someone asked me out I pictured the first time John asked me out and I had to say no because I didn't want to lose John and his memory. What I did want was John and Maria and Brian and Sean. I wanted my family. I wanted them so bad; I didn't want a new family. _

_But still, after 7 years I said yes. _

_A young man with sandy blonde hair and blue eyes and a warm smile asked me out and I laughed because John would have scoffed and called him soft. After three weeks of constant pestering I said yes. His was Edward (Eddie) Drew. He was nothing like John and he wasn't as 'mysterious' as Bob. He was new, he was my new start. Eddie was a smart, gentle, unorganised man who could light up a room with his smile. He was abused by his dad and he finally left the home when he punched his dad in the face and stormed out of the house. He wanted to become a Lawyer (he is now, a very good one at that. Still needs me to help him find his keys in the morning but he's good). I met him when I was around 25 and I married him when I was 40. _

_I still cry every time I see Maria, Bob or Sean, my heart still belongs to John and I still wish I could see Paul and Ringo and everyone else (I smile when I see Keith on TV even though he annoys me) but I smile when Ed comes home, I laugh when he drops things and I feel warm when he's near me. _

_We never had kids (I couldn't, I could never not when i love Sean, Maria and Brian as much as i do). Ed didn't want kids, he was afraid of being a parent and he didn't believe marriage had to result in having Children, we're happy the way we are._

_I'm 45 now. I'm Lexie Upston-Drew and I'm in love with my husband. I still wish I married John, I wish he never died and I wish I was still with him, I want to be with my kids but….I love Eddie, he loves me and I'm happy. I miss John…Fuck I can't express that enough…..Eddie….he-he believed me when I told him. After ten years of dating I told him and I was crying and he believed me. He actually did. He's so amazing. _

_My name is Lexie Upston (although you may know me as Eleanor Murphy) and that was my life. My whole life with Brian and The Beatles and Bob and John and now…Now I'm in love again-I didn't think I would be, not after John. I loved my life. When I landed in 1961 I didn't know what would happen. I met so many people; I loved so much and so many. I miss them like crazy. i love them like crazy._

_The Beatles were my family. They were family and then they let me into their family. It was never the fame that made them happy, it was them-just being with each other made them happy. I was happy. I am happy._

_Paul McCartney was my best friend, my brother, the friend I hold most dear._

_George Harrison was so special to me. I loved him and we had so many fights but we loved each other._

_Ringo Starr was my older brother, the one friend I never lost-not even once. He was there for me and I like to think I was there for him._

_Brian was my father, I still miss him every day and I love him so much it hurts sometimes._

_John Lennon was my true love. Pure and true, he was my one and only. I'll love him forever._

_How could I ever forget such people? How can i ever forget the life i lived? A life that gave me so much but at the same time took so much away? All the happiness and love and sadness and tragedy broke my heart and mended it so many times in so many ways, i can never forget, i can't regret eaither. All that life i lived, I don't regret a single day, i loved so many people and they loved me. I can never forget that life but i can start a new one, i can be happy again. And i am. _

* * *

_My name was Eleanor Murphy. I was married to Bob Dylan and I'm in love with John Lennon. The Beatles were my family and I loved some of the most famous performers in the world, they loved me too. I had three children (who are now beautiful grown ups living wonderfully in this world). I met Brian Epstein and i loved that place, my home, my life. that's what it _was.

**My names Lexie Upston and I'm married to Edward Drew. I love him and I think I'm starting to like this place. **


	19. Some Choice Quotes About Eleanor Murphy

"Paul would never stop talking about her. It got annoying after a while. 'Oh Ellie did this' 'Ellie did that'. He was bloody proud and amazed at everything she did. I met her in 1962, she was insane. Not like a girl at all. Eleanor looked so proper when I met her, she had such a beautiful face and she was wearing such a beautiful blazer and black skirt. We were at dads and I'm sure he thought she was professional and proper until she accidentally hit her hip into the table, she swore so loudly and it was complete silence until John started laughing and then Ellie started laughed. Her face was bright red and she and John couldn't stop laughing. Dad didn't like her at all after that. I did though, she was cool and she could drink and smoke like John and she knew so many things about the world and I just thought she was so cool. Too cool to be friends with Paul but she loved him you know like a brother. She was amazed by anything he did."-**Mike McCartney.**

"Their friendship wasn't just normal friendship, you know? How close they all were, we'll never be able to understand how much they loved each other and many times their hearts were broken because of each other. The love they had for each other transcended romance, it transcended family and friendship, that love is beyond normal love. All five of them were inhumanly close. They were in their own little circle, even when they were fighting no one could get in. It was always those five."- **Linda McCartney. **

"She wasn't very ladylike. Swearing and drinking and making crude jokes. Paul liked her; always spoke of her in great light, he really thought she was amazing George thought she was gear. She knew music and sex and she was the same age as him and that made him comfortable."-**Arthur Kelly.**

"I didn't like her swearing, I thought a woman swearing like that would encourage John to swear more and it did. I was right. John talked about her from time to time. When he was staying here he almost always told me when he received a letter from her, like a child bringing home a good report card. He seemed proud of himself that she was talking to him. I didn't like her. When they were all in Liverpool I'd see her and two or three of her other friends drinking at noon and swearing, I was surprised when she was married because I thought 'who could handle that?' She was polite to me though, when she saw me she always made sure to say hello."- **Mimi Smith.**

"I was very surprised when John rang me up to tell me he and Eleanor were together. I said 'what?' I couldn't believe it. They came to visit me in 1976 for a week or so and I saw Eleanor with Sean and I couldn't believe how motherly she was with him. Eleanor was a very immature person, she sweat at even the mention of responsibility but she looked so calm and older while holding baby Sean, it was a side of her I hadn't seen. Then I remembered she had two other children and thought she must be used to nursing children to sleep. She visits me still you see, maybe once or twice a year. She insists on coming even though I tell her not to."- **Mimi Smith.**

"She was my best friend. She still is. I can't replace someone like Eleanor-or Lizzy as i called her. We were friends for years and my heart broke into pieces that could never be mended when i heard that she had died. I was heartbroken. We were best friends. I loved her, we were so close. Lizzy was my sister. Till this day i never go about a week without thinking about her. How beautiful she looked on her wedding day, how happy she was when she was with John. Lizzy was my sister, she helped teach me how to have fun...I remember once when we were in Liverpool-probably in 1962-she convinced me to go out drinking with her and we both ended up so drunk. We laughed about everything for hours and hours. Laughing with Eleanor is still many of my best memories."-**Freda Kelly. **

"She's really cool, I like her a lot. She says I remind her of Mick Jagger and she reminds me of a star in the sky, mate. She's good, very funny, really strong."- **Michael Hutchence.**

"We met her in 1985. I didn't like her but Michael did, they sort of hit it off really. I thought she was really immature and rude but Michael thought she was endlessly fascinating; they spent over four hours just talking. She knew about the world and he thought he was so new and he wanted to learn, when she left Michael thought he knew the secrets of the world. I don't know what she told him but it made him shine for a while. When he heard the news that she had died Michael was shocked, he was actually really upset about it. He was yelling about how unfair it was and it took me an hour or so to calm him down."- **Andrew Farriss.**

"Mick used to never shut his mouth about her. He'd talk about her and when she was with us he'd spend all his time with her. When we were touring in New York we visited her and she sometimes came to see us. We all thought she was funny and pretty amazing really, well except for Keith. By 1967 the feud wasn't just funny it had become pretty serious, they really hated each other. Mick fancied her for about three years; full on, I think-it's hard to tell with him. I thought she was cool; she could sit quietly reading a book next to me but the next second she'd be drinking, cracking rude jokes and running around the hotel room singing with Mick and Brian. Bob came with her sometimes, he thought Mick was going to steal her but El really loved Bob in those days."- **Charlie Watts.**

"There are photos I have kept somewhere of dad and Ellie just in their underwear in his house laughing and dancing, it was just them and Ellie would twist the camera around so they'd both be in the shot. Dad was telling me that it was raining down and they just decided to put the heater on and take their clothes off. I think that was the best thing about their friendship, they were like kids the sexual aspect of wearing no clothes didn't even cross their minds. They were children and they were so close. My mum used to say they clung to each other and I looked at some of her photos of them from back in 1968 to 1997 and it was true, they looked at each other as if they clung to each other, as if they could save each other from something."- **Mary McCartney.**

"John saved her. She was so sad and when she was with John, her sadness didn't attack her."- **George Martin.**

"She could get angry and she could get sad but when she was happy, her face lit up in that brilliant smile and you couldn't see any sadness or anger. That was the most dangerous thing about her, that smile she had; you didn't really know what it was hiding."- **David Bowie.**

"She talked about them from time to time. She was angry at George for the most part of the 70's but she'd smile when she heard his music and she'd be interested if she heard something about him on the radio. She, like John, would be angry beyond belief if anyone badmouthed Paul. And she just adored Ringo, Ringo and El they were always close."- **Elton John.**

"After John's death Ellie still badmouthed Keith but if she heard anyone else do it she'd get annoyed, I could see it in her eyes. One time while I was in New York visiting her we were out at some club and she heard one bloke say something completely horrid about Keith and she flat-out walked up to the man and told him to 'shut his fucking mouth'. They weren't friends but she was extremely grateful for what he did for her."- **Ronnie Wood.**

"Who was she closest to? Well Eleanor and Paul were amazingly close, and Eleanor and George could sit with each other for hours in their own silence, and she and Ringo were like brother and sister and well she and John did love each other more than anyone else but i think she was closest to Brian. Eleanor always said her life started when she met Brian. Brian was the light in her life and she was the light in Brian's."- **George Martin.**

"She was amazing, so funny and so oddly complicated. You wouldn't think she was, she was simple at first. Always smiling but once you got to know her she became to complicated and even more amazing. She was beautiful and sad and very good. Just a good person. I wrote 'Another Girl' about her because i felt like she and i were closer than what me and Jane were. Ellie was like a shining star coming down to save me, she made laugh and act like a kid and I'm so grateful for that. I'm so happy i got to know her and i'm so happy i was so close to her, Ellie told me i was one of the people who meant the most to her and i believe her because she was one of the people who meant the most to me. We were family. Still are actually. John, Paul, George, Ringo and Eleanor."-** Paul McCartney.**

"I didn't know too much about my mum and dad's life until i was about 14, i mean i knew about The Beatles and all that stuff but i never really knew what sort of things they did you know? My mum didn't want to tell me because she thought it would be a bad influence and one day Ringo and Mick came to visit us in New York and my mum had to go out shopping and she ordered Mick and Ringo to make sure i didn't do anything stupid and then after about 5 minutes we ended up talking about my mum when she was younger and i couldn't believe all the things she did. Drinking, partying, the pranks. Ringo told me all about what my dad was like and I was amazed at how...Well cool they were. I always thought my mum and dad were cool because they were both so amazing and strong but to hear what they were like when they were younger was amazing."- **Sean Murphy-Lennon.**

"My mum was very protective but really funny, both my mum and dad were. I'm a lot like me mum actually, I'm very immature like my mum and we have the same sense of humor. I was ten when i told my first real dirty joke and when i said it i said it by accident and i was so scared cause i thought, Mum's gonna be angry, that was a terribly gross jokes, oh I'm screwed but my mum just looked at me and started laughing. She was such an amazing mother, we had our arguments because we were both so stubborn but we got along, i could really tell her anything. My dad used to try to be serious but he couldn't manage it unless my mum was too. If one was being immature the other was sure to follow."- **Brian Dylan.**

"I thought she was beautiful and i may have fancied her from time to time but overall she was a dear and much-loved friend to me. She was funny and she could act like a man but if got dirt in her nails she'd complain. Ellie could party, she could smoke, she could drink, hell she could even punch someone in the face but if her hair was dirty she complained for hours. She always made me laugh and I love her a lot."- **Mick Jagger.**

"My dad always talks about her, we all do. When the families together we all talk about my mum. The family being a house full of Rock Stars and my siblings. We all have so many funny stories about my mum, so it's never really a sad occasion. We always laugh because even in death my mum still has the uncanny ability to make people laugh and be happy. There's always a lull in the talking at some point and all these famous people are standing around smiling like children at the thought of my mum. I think it was the first anniversary of her death me, Sean, Brian, Ringo and George, my dad and all The Rolling Stones (Paul couldn't make it because he was with Linda), David and Elton were just sitting in Elton's big house in silence and then out of nowhere Mick just starts laughing and David looks so pissed but before he can punch him Mick stops laughing and says 'I just remembered this time in 1973 when I was in New York with El and we accidentally smashed a cop's car window.. We were pissed off our faces!' and then we were all quiet and then we all started laughing. It was happy, we were happy remembering her."- **Maria Dylan.**

"She was beautiful, I always thought that but not in the 'oh i'd like to date that bird' kind of beautiful, more like 'she's so beautiful, oh she's more beautiful each day, I'm so proud of her'. I was older than her and she did act childish and i always felt responsible for her, i really saw her as my daughter in a way. Ellie hated it, she always told me she did. When i met Brian and Maria for the first time i almost cried because she was growing up, holding those two kids...Ellie looked so grown up and I was so proud, i couldn't help it. And when she had Sean, John and Ellie they looked so happy, John cried when the first time he held Sean and Ellie looked so at peace. She was so motherly, with almost everyone when they were sad. El hated the world sometimes, she was sad and sometimes bitter but when someone was sad she...She turned into this motherly, loving figure. There's a photo I took on the plane to America in 1964, Paul was so nervous and you could tell he was beginning to freak out and Ellie got up, sat next to him and pulled his head to her chest and just held him. She looked like his mother, i really love that Photo. Eleanor was so immature and cold sometimes but she could be so warm and lovely too. She was extremely motherly towards people."- **Ringo Starr. **

"El and John were always close. They were just close, always something more than friends I think. They kind of just understood each other in a way, they loved being rude to people and saying rude things about people and El could calm John down when he got too far. They had the same sense of humor and when they were together they were almost always laughing. I'd always hear John gushing about El to Paul, Paul and El were so close so John loved talking about her with him. He was whipped by 1967 I think, he just kind of fell for her. She fell for him in 1971 and then they were just together. They fell in love. They had a child and they were happy. So fucking happy then he gets ripped away from her, then she gets ripped away from us."- **George Harrison.**

"I fell in love at first sight almost, i saw her and i just thought 'wow'. She was pissed because i had ran into her but she still agreed to go out with me and within a week we were both smitten, we were in love. El was beautiful on our wedding day, she was beautiful when she was holding our kids, no matter what she did i thought she was beautiful. We used to sit in our bed and sing our favourite songs as loud as we could, we'd run around the street giggling like idiots, we were just so in love you know. We could talk for hours about nothing, we didn't even have to talk actually. Sometimes we'd just sit and stare at each other. I called her once back in 1976 and all she could talk about was how Sean was going and how much Brian and Maria loved him and how much of an amazing father John was, she talked about John the way she used to talk about me and i knew she was in love. Ellie was so in love with him and he was so in love with her, it was hard not to be. She was amazing, when El wanted to be she could be such an amazingly caring person but she was always an amazing mother, always put her kids first."-** Bob Dylan.**

"Eleanor was beautiful and funny, she always had a joke ready to make someone laugh and even if she was sad she'd still be making jokes because she could never show she was sad, Ellie and The Beatles had that in common. If any of the five of them were sad there was no way they'd show it. They fitted so well together, she loved them and they loved her. Paul just saw El as his saviour, she made him laugh and never once saw him as anything more than a brother. When i first saw them together i was so surprised with their relationship because Paul looked so childlike and vulnerable with her and i just thought 'my God who is this girl?'. I saw her with John and i knew they were closer than they seemed, they were in love before they realized it and her and George had this unspoken respect for each other. Ringo adored El and she adored him and they were such good friends. They all loved each other very much. The five of them. Eleanor was very strong, living with that sadness for as long as she did. She must have been strong. I saw the scars on her wrist in one of the photos i had taken and i knew The Beatles were saving her as much as she was saving them."-** Astrid Kirchherr. **

"I was in love with her. Ellie was just so different and special, she was love and light and sadness and happiness and darkness and i love her-loved her, still do...I mean how do you fall out of love completely with someone like her? I don't think it's possible at all, not for me at least. She's charmed so many people...Mick Jagger, Bob Marley, David Bowie, Me, John Lennon...John Lennon, i knew he fancied her...Lucky bastard he was, she was in love with him too."-** Bob Dylan.**

"Eleanor was all Brian could talk about sometimes, most times actually. She was his daughter, that was just how it was."-** George Martin.**

"Rock Stars need strong women, you know? We all need strong women to keep us sane. John Lennon had Eleanor Murphy you know and he wouldn't have been sane without her, would he?"- **Kurt Cobain.**

"She was annoying, no other person annoyed me like Eleanor...not even Mick. She was short, in height and in temper. Her voice were whiny and her eyes too big, she could charm people with that smile of hers, i watched it happen. Brian and Mick were hooked, Mick...So in love with her he was. Never shut up about her, if she was on TV with Bob or John he'd be gushing, if he got a letter from her he'd be reading it over and over again with a stupid smile on his face. He was hooked and Brian just thought Eleanor was beautiful and amazing and i never knew why. She was good looking sure but over the years we had seen thousands of more beautiful women yet Mick always stood by the fact that he thought Eleanor was one of the most beautiful people he'd ever met. I never understood why, still don't...When John was shot, when i heard about it...Some women ran into me and when i asked her what was wrong she told me and then she said so panicked that John Lennon's girlfriend was there and saw him getting shot and then i raced to the hospital. I-I saw some fucking dick taking photo's of her while she was bloody sobbing in a chair outside the room and i punched him because fuck, you don't do that. Not to her. Not to someone like Eleanor, you know? None of what happened was supposed to happen to a woman like Eleanor. She was supposed to grow old-with John-and become an annoying grandmother, you know? She was supposed to grow old and die old...Who would have thought i was going to out live her?...But...You know we did hate each other, with a burning passion but-it's been 10 years since she died and i just forgive her, you know? I forgive her because i think she would be able to forgive me."-** Keith Richards.**

"She was so in love with John. Ellie felt like John was her new start, a family she never had and John felt the same way. Just the look in their eyes when they stared at each other, they could talk about anything and they'd understand. Ellie never had anyone that understood her as much as John did, not Bob-who she loved the most for seven years-and not Paul-who was probably one of the people she was most close to throughout her life. John loved her so much. He'd often say he never loved Cynthia and Ellie was his first love...El would get pissed at that then she'd just smile and say she was probably the third love of John's life. Then they'd kiss and it seemed like they'd never loved anyone but each other...Ellie once told me there were only two things in John's life that he never got tired of and when i asked what they were she smiled and said they were 'Music and Paul' and i thought, that's not right because hang on John said El was the love of his life and he had been in love with her ever since 1966...I thought that maybe-maybe-Ellie was right because he did indeed love Paul like a brother but John loved Ellie like a soul mate. John was convinced that was what she was. Eleanor was his soul mate in his eyes and it was true you know. They would have never fallen out of love. After Sean was born El and John would often talk about how they would retire and buy a small cottage in Liverpool and live there until they died of old age. They had their life planned out. They really did. They planned out their life together, the love they had together was special and unique and they spoke about every little detail of their lives with each other."-** Elton John.**

"They were a family. John the father, Paul the mother, George the moody teenager, Ringo the happy-go-lucky kid and Ellie...She just fit, you know? She was the close friend that fit into the family, they took her in and made her their own. She was their family. She looked up to Ringo, she respected George, she clung to Paul and she loved John. And Ringo adored El, George saw her as his sister, Paul clung to her as tightly as she clung to him and John loved her."- **George Martin.**

"In 1969 George and El were fighting so much, George was hurt and thought Eleanor loved The Beatles more than him and Eleanor was just too stubborn to tell George what she was feeling. They were acting like a married couple going through a rough patch, a rough patch that lasted over 4 years. God it was terrible, the tension, just the hatred. George used to say the worst things about her to me but oh God i remember once in 1972 Bob said something rude about El in a drunken state and George nearly beat the shit out of him. That was the thing with those five-John, Paul, George, Ringo and Eleanor-they could say the worst things about each other but if anyone else did...They'd be so angry, it was scary even. Seeing George get so raged about Bob being rude towards El, George cared so much about her even though they were fighting. In 1969-like i was saying before-George and El were fighting and even though George was convinced he hated her at that time he saw-it was the first time he saw them-El's self-harm scars, and Fuckin' hell he was so angry and sad and confused about it and he was too stubborn to talk to her about it...So...He wrote 'Here Comes The Sun' with her in mind, he just wanted to tell her it was going to be alright in a way that he didn't have to talk to her. George really did love her a lot, they all did."- **Eric Clapton. **

"I don't know if there's a heaven but if there is i know mum is up there with dad and she's looking down on us and smiling because she loved her kids more than herself. I know she's smiling down on everyone. And if there isn't a heaven then i know she's still watching us, she's somewhere and i know she's happy. Love you Mum."- **Sean Murphy-Lennon.**

"The most beautiful young women i know. Eleanor Murphy will live to a ripe old age, she will be happy and she will be married and happy or she'll be alone and happy. Whatever may happen i know she will be happy because that is her dream. To die happy. And Eleanor is too stubborn to not live her dream."-**Brian Epstein.**


End file.
